..boss bizness..

i moved to wordpress!

2009-05-19T12:30:00.001-07:00

www.raaachem.wordpress.com

I JUMPED SHIP

2009-05-14T14:57:00.001-07:00

and u say he's just a friend

2009-05-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

something that i posted on What The Hellz.. repost.. 05/11/09

“guys and girls are only FRIENDS because the girl keeps it that way.” - James P.

u know those guys… the ones that u date that automatically assume ur fuckin around with EVERY guy u say hi to? those insecure guys who give every human born with a penis the evil eye as soon as u introduce him as your “friend”. the guys that are too paranoid that they go into ur phone and delete ever number attached with a masculine name. all the while, this same guy is takin out his homegirl to dinner cuz she just broke up with her man. ummm… WHAT?
why is it, that men cannot seem to fathom the idea that men and women can just be friends? or wait.. lemme rephrase that. they cannot comprehend the idea of their girlfriend having a platonic relationship with another man.

ok ok, sometimes guys are too much. and sometimes they swear their game is tight and we’ll just get swept off our feet. and sometimes they’re a little too agressive when they know they need to just back the fuck off. but has it ever occured to you gentlemen that we, as your women, will sometimes ALWAYS know when to put our foot down. that when another man says that we’re pretty, us saying “thank you” does not translate to “lets have sex.” that we dress up to go out, not to impress anyone else, but so that we don’t waste the pretty. “If you don’t want men calling your girlfriend pretty - date someone ugly.” - Hayati

male/female platonic relationships are possible. they are real, and they happen everyday.. and although in some cases, one person wants more out of the relationship than the other, most of the time when she says he’s just a friend, HE’S REALLY JUST A FRIEND.

and i know it goes both ways and we already know there are some scandalous ass females out there but this blog isnt about that.. we dont go around calling every woman in ur phone book askin her how she know u and if u guys have dated now do we? (or well.. i dont, at least)

and its crazy how that intro quote was said by a man.. cuz they swear we have all the power. and WE DO! we say no and we say when to go. (i swear having a vag badge puts u on top of the world).. but fellas can’t u TRUST ur women to do the right thing by you? we aint as shady as u’d like to believe. i promise.

so guys.. ease up on ur lady please! not only do u look crazy and insecure, but it brings ur pogi points down by at least 5. remember, ur still the one dickin her down at night. RELAX or you’ll head from “boyfriend” to “just a friend” in no time.

on love and bullshit.

2009-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

**this post is also up on wordpress. tell me whatcha think. maybe it'll help me decide to stay here or move over**

in an earlier post i said that sometimes, love just isnt enough to keep two people together. and today i got to thinking about WHY.

sometimes the bullshit gets in the way.

have u ever noticed how people act differently given different situations? granted, i know u dont act the same in front of your mom at home as you do with ur girls on any given night out or even with your significant other on a date. but the essence of you.. the core of you should stay the same right?

so why is it that everything you love about someone seems to get thrown out the window as soon as shit hits the fan? the same person who said she would always be there for you is all of a sudden no where near you and runnin her mouth puttin ur bizness on blast. the same person who promised that he aint the kinda guy to fuck around is at the club tryna holla at your fucking cousin. the quiet, reserved girl you fell in love with morphs into the abnoxious chick at denny's at 2 am who can't handle her liquor. the "got-my-shit-straight-swagga-right-brown-skin" guy who swept you off your feet turns into someone you dont even recognize. and you can't even understand why.

i see it like this..

when you're waist deep in a relationship with someone, you do a lot of compromise. which is of course how it should be -- back and forth, meet in the middle, give some take some kinda deal so long as the both of you are moving forward and together. but of course some people lose themselves in the process. some people give too much or take too much or get too comfortable with always having their way.

but you love them anyways. and you look past the flaws, and the selfishness and the pride and you WORK. you work at making it right, you work at making it better, you work at making your relationship work. and then one day you decide to do something for yourself, rather than for her. you decide you want some alone time, rather than a day of nothing with him. and then the switch goes off.

small changes in your thinking translate into big changes in the dynamic of your relationship. more "me" time might be misconstrued as "fuck, she doesnt love me anymore, she's fuckin around." saying "no" more often is viewed as "he no longer wants to do this for me, is he falling out of love with me?" the other party starts to feel... rejected. and thats not a feeling that usually coincides with love.

a healthy, equal relationship is a system of checks and balances. you call each other out on ur bullshit. you keep each other in check. but not all relationships are healthy or equal.. and so the rejected party gets desperate. they push their boundaries more... start becoming someone else entirely, picking fights, screaming for attention -- all for YOU to prove your love... which in turn does the complete opposite and just pushes you away.

you remember how she was with you. you remember how he cooked you breakfast in the mornings, or how she put notes in your lunch, or how the two of you used to just talk for hours on end about nothing. you see this person that you still LOVE.. become someone you start to hate and it breaks your heart inside. because you know she's better than that. you know he really isnt like that... but actions speak louder than words and trying to breathe with a broken heart is just too much to bear.

so you decide you're better off as friends. you try and be normal but you dont even know what the fuck normal is. normal is morning sex and breakfast in bed but "friends" dont do that. normal is holding hands down the street on the way to dinner but now you dont know what to do with yourself and its too awkward to even look in the eye let alone give a hug hello. normal is being head over heels, shout at the mountain tops, crazy jealous, have you all to herself in love. and sometimes she just dont know how to be any different.

sometimes the love gets in the way.

so then WHAT THE FUCK?! its a catch 22, it doesnt work with you're lovers and it doesnt work when you're friends. what do you do now and where do you go from here? and i really have no answer for you....this is one of those rhetorical questions that will never have a wrong or a right.

i just hope one day it wont make sense to me when my best friend tells me she wants him to leave but she doesnt. that i wont get it when i hear a friend tell me he hates his ex but yet he's still giving her morning sex and breakfast in bed (and lets her use his car and says "how high" when she says "jump" but lets not even go there.)

sometimes, love just isnt enough... and whoever first said this should be punched in the mouth for slapping the world in the face with the truth. hmph.

blogspot vs wordpress

2009-05-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

so.. i'm debating on wether or not to move my blog to wordpress...

after seeing a few friends do the same, and having my other blog (WTF) in wordpress, i can't decide on wether or not i wanna make the move.

raaachem.wordpress.com

whatchu think? thoughts? comments?

free shit. yeah i said FREE

2009-05-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

if u havent already heard, Hellz Bellz paired up with nitro:licious and is giving away FREE SHIT from the newly released "Renegades of Funk" Hellz line. this shit is ILLL..

click HERE to enter.. and see the Hellz blog here.

p.s. i got an honorable mention in one of the entires! WOOT WOOT! thanks sha!

whats good in the (mother)HOOD.

2009-05-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

blissfully uneventful sundays are my forte.

i spent mother's day in my sweats, at home, playing with Adonis. We visited Mateo's gravesite and ate applesauce and cookies in the sunshine and I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

i can finally say that i'm at a place where ive forgiven myself. i've stopped asking myself if i could have done anything different. i've stopped going over it in my head again and again and again. and it feels AMAZING. and although i still don't feel whole, my heart does not feel empty. i spent yesterday feeling... joyous.

mike and i took our mamas out last night to dinner and i looked at them and understood. i understand what it means to love someone more than i possibly thought i could love anyone. i remember when i fell in love for the first time.. i was actually amazed that someone could feel so deeply about someone else... then when i fell in love with mike i felt like.... i loved him so much that my heart was gonna explode into a thousand pieces. i didnt think there was room in my soul for anymore love... and then i met our son. and its like that, times a gazillion and one plus infinity and beyond.

growing up my mom used to always preach to me. in between all the "buwisit" and the "puneta" and the "mag sisise ka pag wala ka ng magulang" (yes i'm a fob AND WHAT?) she would always say that i would never understand her until i have children of my own. and betcha by golly wow she was right. and i'm sure she was always right, i was just too hard headed and self absorbed to realize it. and i know everyone goes thru the growing pains of life, but my mom has been absolutely on point about all my pain of growing. i now believe that she's a genius. and u bet ur ass she still says "buwisit" and "puneta" but u can also bet ur right leg that what she says no longer goes in one ear and out the other. and god, i appreciate her.

motherhood is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. its the biggest responsibility of my life. its also the most rewarding. it never fails to teach me lessons that i've never learned and to surprise me with happiness i've never known. i also know that its the most worthwhile task that will ever be asked of me, and i'm completely game for whatever comes next.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, YO!

WTFun with WTFriends

2009-05-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

on this WTFriday..

just for shits n giggles i changed my AIM status and asked my entire buddy list to take a WTF?! pic just to see who would do it... and the verdict is that I HAVE THE FUNNEST FRIENDS. =)

click the pictures to check their websites / blogs. this post will be updated throughout the day if i get any more in. check my What The Forks?! blog for more!

married.. with children

2009-05-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

im not big on writing about matters of the heart.. only cuz i believe some things should be kept between u and ur significant other. if i want my business out on front street, i would put it there. and even tho i'm a blogger, i'm on twitter, fb, imeem, meebo, etc etc and most aspects of my life are pretty public.. i still value my anonymity.

but this week i've stumbled across some situations, not only within my own relationship but with my friend's as well and i just had to speak about it. and i apologize in advance if this feels like its all over the place, cuz this is just one of those that wont be proofread.

love and marriage. go together like a horse and carriage..this i tell u brother, you can't have one without the other? not necessarily. although i grew up thinking that love and marriage are interdependent on each other (if ur in love, u plan to get married. and u wouldnt get married without being in love, right?) most of my adult life has been spent realizing that this in fact, is not the case.

i've seen friends who have been together FOREVER... kids, a house, a thousand cars and a lifetime later they still arent married. they're actually barely in love. and they've just realized that maybe they shouldnt be together. i've watched others get married for every reason other than love, and then seen the nasty divorce and child custody battle that follows.

love without marriage and marriage without love. i absulutely think the former is acceptable and in some cases more favorable, and that the latter should be a sin.. but in both scenarios my question is... where's the fairytale? maybe its just the girly girl in me but i always invisioned this "love" thing to be "happily ever after" like snow white or cinderella.

but u know what? people change and forget to tell each other. people fall in and out of love and break up over petty shit. people just dont seem to be worth it. people work and grow and i thought the whole point of being with someone is to work towards a common dream and grow with each other right? so what happens when u find urselves on sepearate pages in different chapters of your story?? to make anything work takes a lot of compromise and lateral movement to meet in the middle. "but if you have to move backwards to meet him in the middle, then its not worth it. you can't go backwards. " - mama hayati.

and i absolutely believe that two people can fall in love again, even after falling out of love and falling into complacenency with one another. i also believe that sometimes, love just isnt enough. and other times love isnt really love. its the fear of being alone, or its being too comfortable with each other, or its just plain selfishness. dont cheat yourself out of something amazing and vow to be able to tell the difference.

i've been with my husband for 7 years. people always say marriage changes everything. it kind of does.. and it kind of doesnt. the only difference between being married and not, is that breaking up is not an option. but then again, it never was for me.

they say love makes the world go round, but its what keeps my world together. after all the blood, sweat, and tears... love is what's left.. and for me, love is what makes it all worth it.

twit twat

2009-05-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

so thanks to Jess, who has successfully bullied me into joining the newest and greatest social networking sites (AHEM facebook) i am now on twitter.

follow me here.

WTFancouver!!!

2009-05-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

check What The Forks?! for more updates from the girls!

so we've been trying to figure out how to share our vancouver trip with u guys, cuz there are just SOOO MANY pictures to choose from and the entire trip was good. we all wanted to give u a specific point of view so we're each bringing u our top 5 Vancouver moments.

(p.s., as you'll notice.. my top 5 moments have more to do with my experiences with these girls than Twilight. more important than meeting the cast, or seeing the set, or whatever... were the laughs that made my stomach hurt, the drinks that made my liver run away, and the fun moments that exude awesomeness all around. =)

my top 5 after the jump.

5. Aiden Shaw. -- Friday morning we wake up to meet with Marina from Before the Dawn and on our way down, the elevator stops to let someone else in. Here comes this very very tall man, with the biggest dogs (almost wolf size i swear). the four of us WTF ladies are huge dog lovers so we start chit chatting, petting the dogs, etc etc. The nice gentleman starts talking and i recognize his voice but i can't figure it out. then it hits me. i turn to look at lawn and i guess she realizes the same thing and we start screaming silently! (remember, keep ur composure). Its John Corbett (aka Aiden Shaw) from Sex and the City! [which is my all time fave TV series, 2nd being Friends]. AAAHHH! i love tho, how we didnt even realize it was him until right when he was leaving. also, we could barely hold it together. imagine what we did when we saw the cast of Twilight! haha.

4. Photoshoot in Seattle. -- Sunday after leaving Van, we had a whole day to kill in Seattle. So we headed to the Space Needle and had tooo muuch fuunnn taking pictures of ourselves. we are toooo too vein. lol.

3. Getting Ready in the Suite. -- 9 girls. 1 shower. enough said! lol. it took us a good amount of time to get ready with people doing hair and makeup and outfit changes. we're girls. its just what we do... i just happen to do it while singing Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" into a flat iron. =) my favorite is while getting ready on Saturday, I get a call from Jess to "COME. DOWN. RIGHT. NOW." with no makeup, and someone else's flip flops, i jet out the suite, thru the lobby and into the street like a bat outta hell. more deets on that story to come. hahaha..

2. Club Shine. -- all weekend i was itching to hit up a hip hop / reggae place cuz i was tryin to get my body movin and for the most part we were at indie / rock places. Club Shine was neither (more of a vegas, trans, progressive music type place) but it didnt stop ANY OF US from having the time of our lives.! i SWEAR i've never danced so hard to "oots oots" in my life.

AND DRUMROLL PLEASE....

1. My Twilight related top 5 moment is... BELLA'S HOUSE! Our first stop on the Twilight Set Tour was Bella's House and can i just say that we had too much fun acting like groupies? lawn also did her own photoshoot with us here. hahaha... We got to see Bella's house (they were also filming here Friday Night), Bella's truck and the Police Cruiser. For the most part, the guys were pretty nice about us hanging out there and taking pictures, but one of em almost had a cow when i stepped foot onto the grass. EEK!

alright kiddos. there u have my top 5. stay tuned to hear from the other girls and get their take on our trip. we got stories for DAYYYSSSS!! lol. =)

VANCOUVERRRRRRR

2009-05-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

i'm in VanCity right now with my WTForks?! ladies!!! stay tuned.

thanks, soulmate.

2009-04-29T16:21:00.001-07:00

hot mess.

2009-04-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

the only rule i ever follow when going out is..

always always ALWAYS keep my composure.

even after 14 shots of patron and my stomach hates me, and my liver wants to run for dear life, and i'm sweating like a pig in the mojave, i always make sure my makeup is on point and i have no wardrobe malfunctions and my hair still looks somewhat decent with all the perspiration.

i mean, whats the point of doing ANYTHING if u dont look good doing it?

and then there's the rest of the female population. the girls who think walking barefoot on the urine-stained cement is OK because their cheap shoes hurt. or the girl who almost twists her cankles even though she's walking barefoot on a flat sidewalk. the girls who scream "I'M SO WASTED" at the top of her lungs because she thinks the person standing 2 inches away from her can't hear her. the girls who's dress (that's actually supposed to be a top) has ridden up and become a top again and she walkin around lookin like she left her pants in the bathroom.

u know who i'm talkin about.

im talkin about the girls who come to the club hot, and become an absolute hot mess in 4 shots flat.

don't get it twisted, im all about having a good time. debauchery is one of my favorite things... but the one thing i believe separates the ladies from the club rats is the ability for her to maintain while inebriated. its not a good look falling on ur ass while ur left nip slips in front of 600 strangers on stage. and although your friends might laugh and forgive you for showing ur panties while tryin to get low, i will be the one taking pictures of your cottage cheese ass and posting it on facebook, while my friends and i thank the lord jesus christ that we dont look like you. truuusstt. so please remember to be easy!

a few months back i was out with some friends and while standing outside to hit a stoge, i watch this chick walk out to the smoking area. she was FFLLYYYY... makeup was on point, not a hair strand out of place and her outfit was smokin. i then watched as she walked to the corner, bow her head, and proceed to throw up the hennessey she just downed. after she was done, she popped a mint in her mouth and lit up a marlboro menthol light. my good friend FD then walked over to her and said, "You are the prettiest girl thats ever yacked."

Pretty Girl, whoever you are... you are my hero. and apparently, you are also a very pretty drunk.

Enjoying the last day of sunshine

2009-04-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

when boredom strikes.

2009-04-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

hayati and i have decided that today is most boring tuesday ever. like.. EVER.

so what do u do when u've done ur daily routine and are still bored? like seriously, uve done EVERYTHING!
- gone through all our internet bookmarks.. TWICE
- exhausted myspace, facebook, twitter, and every other social network.
- blogged about bullshit cuz there aint no interesting news...
- made fun of uglies which is already old news..
- everyone on the buddy list is busy.. or working.. or playing hooky and is too occupied having fun to talk to ur "bored @ work" ass.
- even talking to a tree or rock would make today a lil more interesting but they are also unavailable or just ignoring u..
- job hunting [cuz im tired of this place] is slim pickins
- updated vacation itineraries
- updated ipod playlists
- looked at pictures from the weekend 3 times
- shopped online but couldnt really cuz my ass is brizzoke.
- my ass actually worked too. not even pretended to work, but ACTUALLY worked.

...............and then look at the clock and realize that its still only 230 and you aint got shit to do.

hmmm...
count sheep? pick lint out ur pocket? balance checkbook? clean purse???? and no, i dont wanna do a survey or anything of the sort cuz that shit is just gay.

someone help us. cuz we are dying.

inebriated idiocy

2009-04-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

katchafire concert + good friends + sunshine + patron = a great weekend.

LICK.

DRINK.

SUCK.

REPEAT.

=) 90 DEGREES IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!

steph's closet

2009-04-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

ok chickadees....

my oldest and dearest friend, Steph, has ventured out to do something she is passionate about. For the love of everything vintage, i present to you STEPH'S CLOSET.

Here's an excerpt from her blog, on her beginning...

In a nut shell, this is what I found:
I want my own business - to manage and create an establishment beyond what I ever imagined. I dream to sing, to study music, and to teach it from my soul. To make people feel the words in song different than any other person. I want to have the drive that will achieve my dream and the drive to have a plan to make it all
happen.

...THUS I created STEPH's closet - Vintage clothing selling for cheap...

I know I jumped the gun, skipped a couple of euphoric idea generating moves that eventually got me to start up selling the clothes...BUT basically, this is where it all began. As I sell each piece of clothing, my closet - OR my soul - makes more sense. I have created an experience for my customers that exemplifies key things - personal assistance, unique choice of clothing pertaining specifically to the person, the feeling of friendship and the need to help them feel good about themselves.

I'm in LOVE. And it's amazing that this is happening.

do not sleep on this one. check her out! she will blow ur mind, make u look fly, and satisfy your soul. this girl is like... chicken soup for my life! love u steph..

***EDITOR'S NOTE*** - wow, this post has only been up for an hour or so and i've already gotten so many responses! THANK YOU GUYS!!! here's Steph's Closet's Facebook page. Hit her up here for any requests or questions. She also holds sales out of her closet for now, so if you're in the Bay.. HOLLA!!!

"Bitches live forever..

2009-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

..and you're the bitchiest bitch i know"

That was put on a note from my NBF Queenie last week... last week when i was freaking the fuck out... last week when God smacked me with a chin check... last week when i was faced with my own mortality as a cancer scare had my equilibrium off track...

today i received news that the lump i found during a self breast exam is actually called a fibroadenoma. and poses no risk to my health.

i am healthy. i am cancer free. i am ECSTATIC! i cannot begin to express how i feel today. i feel... relieved. i kind of also feel like i cheated death? cuz it totally could have been cancer. it could have been stage 3. i could have been fat and bald from chemo 5 months from now. but i wont be. cuz its not anything to worry about. so why do i feel bittersweet?

all i know is that i am ready to celebrate life! MY life. my HEALTHY life. (and the fact that i get to keep my barely existant tits)... katchafire and rebel souljahz concert this weekend and i hope they stock enough patron at the bar cuz i'm about to shut it down! hahaha.

Jesus walks with me. i am so blessed. enjoy the sunshine!

the smokey smell of victory

2009-04-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Cigarettes,

After a 46 day hiatus, I welcome you again into my life with open arms. Oh, how I've missed you. Ending a large meal or a stressful day without you around has been difficult. My life has seemed lacking. For a seond there, I thought I had myself convinced that I could live my life without you in it. I was almost over you, until Easter Sunday when you made a smashing entrance back into my life. *sigh* There's no getting rid of you, is there? But then again, a girl needs a vice.... And I choose YOU.

Always,
Raaachem

Thanks guys..

2009-04-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to take quick time out and THANK YOU for reading my banter. last saturday after the club, i saw a friend at the late night joint we were eating at and he said "my friend ---- says 'i dont want her to think i'm a stalker or anything, but please tell her that she writes really well"

i guess i never realized how many people actually read this. So, again, i just wanna say THANK YOU. I want you to know that i appreciate all of your comments, and i take offense to NOTHING... keep em coming guys.. please feel free to speak ur mind freely about anything i've said. i aint mad at ya. =) NNEEVVERRR ...

I HELLA LOVE YOU GUYS. forreal.

p.s. did i mention that i'm planning a trip to vancouver? kinda crazzyyy.. keep u guys posted on that one!

allerGEEZE.

2009-04-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

ever try and talk to someone and they seem to be allergic to conversation?

in a day and age where you're more likely to know my aim screen name than my phone number, and u know what i'm doin cuz u follow me on twitter..when did friendships become so impersonal?

ever had a friend whom u text/email/chat with pretty frequently and when they actualy call ur cell phone its kind of... awkward?? or sometimes u can hold a 7 hour chat on gtalk, but when u finally have lunch u two aint got shit to say to each other... has quality conversation become extinct?

i am not exempt - there are just some people who's frienships will always remain on aim or twitter or facebook cuz i could not see myself having a 2 hour convo about sunblock over coffee. however, the same convo on meebo while i'm at work is completely fair game.

and then there are the socially retarded.. the verbally constipated.. the people in ur life where you have to pull teeth to get more than a one word answer out of. sometimes it feels as if ur talking to a TREE. or a rock. whatever inanimate object you prefer. but u know they're fun. u've seen it! or maybe it was just the libations talking but u could have sworn she was fuckin hilarious the other night when now all she types back is "hahaha" when what you typed wasnt even supposed to be funny. WTF is that shit?

i think i'm addicted to conversing. and when i come accross people like this i think either 1) shit, they have no personality or 2) am i just that boring to talk to? and i really hope its not either cuz i'd like to believe that everyone is fun and interesting, myself included.

so please, take a laxitive cuz the verbal constipation is no bueno. i'm sure we can find SOMETHING interresting to talk about. u may be allergic to conversation but i am allergic to boring. (and ugly, but thats a whole nother blog)

p.s. "this livin is so magnificent. stop dreamin it. oh.." - j. legend. happy friday, yo!

SF hella <3s Hellz

2009-04-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

alright alright ALRIGHT!!!!

as u know, i contribute to the Hellz Bellz blog, What The Hellz. if you dont know about Hellz, edu-fuckin-cate urself cuz Lanie and crew should NOT be slept on.

well, they're comin to SF!!! holla at a hella Hellz sample sale! Afterwards, i'll met you at cha cha cha for a pitcher of sangria.

The way I see it #76

2009-04-09T12:55:00.001-07:00

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Sent from my iPhone

Tour de FatGirl

2009-04-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

what a day what a day. can i just say that going to la for lunch was the best. idea. ever. !!!! as lawn mentioned i was in socal for the day to EAT, EAT, and EAT some more... just wanted to share with u the spots i hit up on my "Tour de FatGirl, LA edition"

we hit up The Griddle on Sunset in which our waiter looked like a skinny josh hartnett. =)

that, my dear friends, is the "Creme de la Creme French Toast".. graham cracker crusted, cheesecake topping, orgasm on a plate! seriously, whatever is in that cheesecake topping is crack! 6 mimosas later and i wanted to bathe in it.

Met with Lawn for lunch and had the BEST.BURGER.EVER. at the Golden State. and then said hi to everyone at the Hellz office.

p.s. after leaving the office we proceeded to stand there and gawk on the street as some random guy got arrested. apparently he tried to steal something? and regular people off the street stopped him until the police arrived. one guy even told him that if he ran, he'd let his pit bull loose on his ass! totally renewed my belief that people are good.. =)

my girl anna then twittered her ass away and found the kogi truck at santa monica college. after much anticipation, i decided on 2 short rib tacos, 1 spicy pork taco, and 4 short rib burritos (the burritos are for baon today).. i only have three words for this place. BELIEVE THE HYPE.

lastly, we topped it off with some pinkberry cuz even though they just opened one in the bay, it will always be so LA to me.

Tour de FatGirl 2009 was a success.. until next time LA.. my stomach shall be readyyy!!!!

haterade.

2009-04-04T15:23:00.001-07:00

i have a lot of guy friends and one thing that i absolutely HATE hearing is, "how come girls always talk shit about each other?" and i hate to admit it, but its true. get a group of girls together and 9 times out of 10, they talkin shit about SOMEONE.. wether it be the ugly bitch in line at the club, the fat girl tryna get a drink outta one of the boys, or the fake beezy who was talkin mess behind ur back.

upon further contemplation, i'm sitting here wondering.. do girls really just hate each other? cuz it seems as if any girl that u dont just love, u seem to hate. and it doesnt matter how nice she is or how pretty she is or how bad ass she is.... her nose, her outfit, her boyfriend, her lipstick, her smile, her hair, her friends or her shoes..whatever it is... we'll find SOMETHING to hate on.

am i right or am i right?

im tryin to figure it out. are we just secretly jealous of each other? do we need some sort of self-validation to keep our swag serious? i think it's a little bit of both. i think engrained in our female DNA is a need to feel.... worthy. and while we may not be attention whores like *ahem* some people we know, we do like attention. we like compliments. we like being validated as a woman.

so when we feel as if some other chick encroaches on that, i think we immediately want to find something wrong with her, so as not to negate from our own self-image. thats why when we see that beautiful woman walkin out the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to her stilettos, we say nothing cuz it makes us that much more appealing than she is. thats why instead of helping the girl who got her shoe stuck in the grate, we point and laugh and proceed to ponder her reasoning on wearing open toe heels on a rainy night. thats why we look at every female from head to toe upon introduction so as to find something we don't approve of and feel better about our own choice of outfit. thats why we dont attempt conversation with her until the third time we've met.

it sucks. but its the damn truth. i think the next time one of my guy friends asks me why females talk so much shit, i'm gonna ask him why they can never put the toilet seat down or why dirty socks always seem to end up next to the hamper and never inside the hamper... so cheers bitches! i'm sure ur haterade tastes just as good as mine. =)

expect the worst, hope for the best.

2009-04-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

maybe its just my jaded view of the world, but i'm the kind of person to expect the best, and hope for the best when it comes to circumstance. i dont get butthurt too easily so when the best doesnt happen, i brush that shit off and move on. but, when it comes to people and the roles they play in ur life.. i think.. that i've become the complete opposite.

i kind of go into new friendships expecting that they SUCK (i dunno i think i also half expect them to be hunch back and buck tooth too), kind of because i love that feeling of being pleasantly surprised when they are fuckin AWESOME. maybe its cuz i've come accross too many mediocre people whom i thought would be nothing short of amazing, that i automatically assume u can't be as great as u portray urself to be.

i've been disappointed too many times that i can confidently throw away my naivety, but i suppose that shouldnt mean that everyone deserves the same fate in my eyes now, does it?

as of late, a few people have proven their absolute amazingness and i am again in awe cuz i can actually say "hey, i see the god in u".. who besides common says that shit? i guess i do. hahaha.

and this post really serves no purpose than to help me get back into writing after a 2 week hiatus cuz the fuckin job is killin me softly and slowly... whatever. here we go.

hellz repost! hello los angeles!

2009-04-03T09:37:00.001-07:00

did u guys see that ridiculous sale jet blue was having from San Francisco yesterday? they were selling flights from SF-NY and SF-LA for only $14 each way.

yeah, i said FOURTEEN DOLLARS. i almost had an aneurism reading the email as i frantically opened up my plans for this weekend (it was good thru april 8 only), and tried to find a sitter. lo and behold, being in a New York state of mind wasnt gonna happen for me cuz that shit sold out in the 17 minutes it took me to spread the word.

so i switched my plans to live and die in LA but, it seemed as if the cards were against me as my solid plans for saturday weren't gonna let me make a tactful exit. so i said.. fuck it. aint no better reason to play hooky on a weekday than a sale on flights right? i booked a round trip ticket for under $50 (including taxes and fees) and could not be more excited for a fun-filled day of hooky in the city of angels.

that kogi truck better watch out cuz i got 12 hours to stalk it and i'm seriously trying to get my kim chee quesadilla on. lawn.. lunch? and just in case u dont believe me..

tastes like..

2009-03-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

sex.

last week a good friend salvaged a shitty week by introducing me to my new mistress, lindt excellence white coconut chocolate. (i'm always craving chocolate and white choc is my fave. my friends know me so well.)

chocolate makes everything better. when it touched my lips i swear i had a mini orgasm. just a little bit. i promise it tastes like... sex... but BETTER. i instantly had a smile on my face and a good rest of the week...

and here, my friends, are my top reasons why chocolate is better than sex.

- you can have as much chocolate as you can handle until you're satisfied. good luck finding a man that can do the same.

- you do not need to pee afterwards. or shower.

- you can have it any time of the day, with anyone, anywhere you please. even in church.

- you can enjoy it as loud as you want to.

- chocolate is always there when you need it and never disappoints. EVER.

- when you're over it, you can stop eating it. you dont have to finish the whole thing, and you can save the rest for later. i guarantee you that no man will allow you to jump off mid-thrust.

- you are allowed to accept chocolate from any man. not just your own.

and finally.... (drumroll please)

- there is good chocolate. there is great chocolate. there is NO SUCH THING as bad chocolate. however, there is such thing as bad sex.

and there you have it. now please give me a moment alone with the last piece of my white coconut. *sigh*

girls, girls, girls, girls, MY GIRLS I DO ADORE

2009-03-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

alright. i've said NUMEROUS TIMES that i freakin adore the girls that i roll with. so i'm showin some love for their blogs cuz they are fuckin KICK ASS..

- my hayati, Abi. Girls are the New Boys
- my soulmate, Bern. Life on My Side
- my bully, Jess. Adventures of Yoshi
- my inspiration, Lawn. What The Hellz?!
- my start, Kris. Yee Bay
- my habibTEE, Tina. Back In Action
- my baby mama, Charrie. Be.Bella
- my awesome bitch, Stef. Curvaceous in the City

check em out. they'll rock ur world.

kristina gano you are the truth.

2009-03-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

never let anyone tell you that your best wasn't good enough. well, you can't stop them from saying it to you, but never believe them. never let anyone take your peace of mind away. don't give anyone the power nor satisfaction of breaking your heart.

allow your best to come short only to your standards then strive to be better. your peace of mind is yours, it can never be torn down.. don't build walls around your heart, but make sure to condition it to survive solely from the love that you give yourself. rely only on the things you build because that way, you are the only one who can say when its broken. stick to your pace on your own path so you know when you need to slow down, speed the fuck up and when to say "i'm fuckin lost, i need help." but only ask for help, don't switch to shotgun and let someone else drive down the road. because then if you get lost in your life, there's no one to blame but yourself.

someone burn her thesaurus.

2009-03-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

i am a blogger. which means, i am also a reader. i read hella blogs about hella shit in hella styles. personally, when i write, i write like i'm talking to my best friend. i know that's not everyone's style and i respect that. writing is an art and well.. "i'm an artist, and i'm sensitive about my shit".

however, once in a while i will come across a blog where the author uses introspective, profound, 10 letter words, and her sentences are three lines long and theres semicolons and shit.. and thats FINE. but sometimes.. just sometimes.. it gets kinda irritating. like i have to read the sentence over again to understand it when it coulda just took 3 words and been straight to the point.
i was conversing (p.s. i loathe the word "conversate") with my hayati Abi about it this morning

--"yes and almost all of the time it would sound and flow so much better if she
just said 'it was awesome,' or 'it was amazing' instead of 'my head spills into
an infinity of ultimate horizons beckoning my ear to pitter patter amongst the
enlightening universe'... SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH it was dope. nuff
said!"

do u like your truth to be raw and real, or eloquently construed? i like it both ways, but sometimes its just doin too much [hereafter referred to as DTM]. are we the only one who feels like this? tell me blog readers!

and i quote

2009-03-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

"everyday i wake up with a smile knowing that life has so many oppurtunities....so if something does go wrong during the day, there is another road for me to take so i can fall asleep and again wake up with that smile" -- my salvation

unicorn status.

2009-03-17T12:35:00.001-07:00

feeling a little introspective today and i'd like to pose a question.

do u think utopia is attainable?

like.. do u think its a real place where happiness exudes from your pores and you are left wanting nothing? and i dont mean complacency, but true contentment... where your positive energy elevates you to a place where the air is thin and the lack of oxygen gets you high on life....

my objective in life is to grasp the concept of two things. infinity and utopia. ultimately, to feel utopic till infinity.

how do i get there and where do i start is a question that i ask myself on the daily. is what i'm doing right now conducive to my goal? if it aint, it needs to go. thats one of the reasons why im trying to gave up cigarettes, cuz how the hellz am i supposed to enjoy infinity if i'm busy smoking cancer sticks right? hmm. i think i'm pretty badass in my aspirations to have it all, but does having it all necessarily mean finally being happy??

i'm a woman. and as women, are we ever satisfied? in my experience, NO. i guess my question is, when do i know when to stop pushing myself for a brighter tomorrow and start enjoying the sunshine today? when will today be my utopia?

sometimes i feel the need to unlearn the lies of the culture that surrounds me before its possible to learn the truth about my happiness in life... gah! i'm babbling. but i wanna say one last thing --
that pot of gold is within our reach, i know you can feel it.

p.s. is life sans cigarettes making me looney or WHAT?!

hellza annoying

2009-03-16T12:40:00.001-07:00

just a repost of what i posted today on What The Hellz?!

----
life sans cigarettes..
is making me fuckin GRUMPY. why i thought giving up cigs for lent was a good idea is beyond my comprehension right now. everything is everything and its hella irritating the fuck outta me!

today, i wanna talk about shoes. not just shoes, but too small shoes on too big feet. this is a phenomenon that remains beyond my comprehension. this weekend i saw a fly ass chick with a pretty face and the dopest outfit on. she had swag thru the roof and i'm always intrigued with confident girls... it makes me wanna be friends. lol. but as i got closer to get a better look i stop dead in my tracks cuz i see this...

p.s. this aint really the girl i seen cuz i wanst bold enough to take a pic of her feet. lol. this is just a visual... but i swear it looked just like this.

cliffhangers! it looks like her poor toes are hanging on for dear life....... so i immediately wonder if they're borrowed or if she's worn them too many times between 1998 and now that they no longer fit well. this shit immediately catapults a girl into the HELLZA UGLY category. i promise. not to mention the pedicure is all bad just makes u wanna give the girl a donation right??? does the poor girl not have friends to tell her that this shit aint cute?? argh.

and that, my dear friends, is the "HELLZA ANNOYING SHIT OF THE DAY." maybe if i had a cigarette i would be a little less annoyed, but i cant have another one of those till after easter. i SHOULD be giving em up completely but we'll see if i have the strength. maybe next year i should give up something easier like food or shopping.

TGIF

2009-03-13T10:02:00.001-07:00

its WTFriday ladies, and here i sit at my desk at work wishing i was somewhere else. will someone hire me to just do WTForks full time?? please?? i beg of you..

here's me LOVING my job. ha. please share with me WTForks you're doin today. and to my other WTFly ladies... SAVE ME. PLEASE.

p.s. on days like this (after i catch up on my fave blogs) i usually pretend to work and instead read my copies of the Twilight series that i have on PDF. thats right gals. on PDF! if u want em, shoot me ur email.

p.p.s. Abi, i'm wearing eyeliner today so i dont look like DEATH. happy? (its also payday today so i think ima head to stussy to cop me some more swag from the stussy x hellz collab that was just released. if u dont know, now u know)

life 1. me 0.

2009-03-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

i am not ur superwoman. not today. not right now.

it was the straw that broke the camel's back and i have reached my breaking point. i feel like screaming or laughing or crying or all of the above but i feel if i do.. i have admitted defeat.

i feel as if the weight of the world is on my back. with trying to be a good wife and mother, a responsible adult, a hard worker, a kick ass writer, a great friend and just maintaing my all around awesomeness... its fucking wearing me down. this grown shit is weighing down my heart. and today i just can't bear it all.

i can't do everything! i just CAN'T! not today. not right now.

today, i just wanna be an ordinary girl, with ordinary thoughts doing ordinary tasks with a mundane life. i want to use my free pass today. i want to pass go, collect my $200, and turn in my get out of jail free card. life is a fucking gamble and most of the time the house wins but once in a while u get to hit it big and i keep waiting for my win. i'm still waiting.

i want to just be me. no strings attached. and i guess i've learned that i can have everything. i just can't have everything all at once.

i hope its ok that superman wants to just be clark kent. just for today. just for right now.

and i quote

2009-03-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

i am too positive to be doubtful..too optimistic to be fearful.. and too fuckin determined to ever be defeated.

"Fresh off the Jess"

2009-03-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

so that was my attempt at branding my girl Jess. haha... it didnt work out, but at least i tried right? I've mentioned jess a few times before and if u havent paid any attention to her i suggest u start because she should NOT BE SLEPT ON. i admire this girl so much its ridiculous. i should just call her "go girl" cuz she a go getter if i've ever seen one...

she contributes to a gazillion blogs cuz she is that important. if u havent done ur homework on this one, i suggest u do so now..

to know her is to love her.. and if u wanna fall in love as much as i have.. check her out here. She makin things happen so just try and keep up ok?

Adventures of Yoshi

2009-03-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hellz Bellz x Stussy line is siiiiiccckk..

If ur in the LA area come out to LADIES FIRST! tomorrow!

amazering.

2009-03-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

the other day i was playing this game on aim with my friends... superlatives.. u have to name "the best hair, best eyes, nicest smile, best steez" but it has to be a real person and someone the both of u know. and throughout the day, i started to realize that i have AMMMAAAZZZINNGG people in my life. not just that, but i think that everyone is absolutely amazing. and it kinda blew my mind.

the "who i'd like to meet" section on my myspace says this:
"I believe you deserve everything your heart desires.Im excited about all youre about to experience and what you already have. you deserve an applaud for all your accomplishments because no one gives you enough credit for what youve been through. I admire you for picking yourself up despite all the blows youve taken and trying to get this whole thing right. That pot of gold is within our reach, I know you can feel it. Walk with me til the end of the rainbow. Id love to hear your story. "

and as i was re-reading it yesterday i came to a realization that, this explains so much about my character. i am so excited about life.. my life.. your life.. your experiences.. and i am completely and genuinely interested in what you have to share with me. credit is due where its deserved and i'd like to give it to ya....

sorry, am i talkin outta my ass right now? i woke up waaay to early this morning and am currently high on life.

p.s. life sans cigarettes: day 8. i'm still alive. and i can breathe a lot better. =)

i am SO LIVE.

2009-03-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

my girl lawn that i write with on WTForks asked me to start writing for Hellz Bellz!! u do not understand how excited i am!

p.s., i'd like to spend a special shout to jess.. whom i've known since i was 12. as she is reason i'm blogging for WTF and meeting dope as people like lawn. i love u jess. *tear* lmao! also, to kris, as she is the reason i'm blogging. period.

check me out!

intoxicating

2009-03-02T12:20:00.001-08:00

last week a friend asked me a question that threw my equilibrium off and made my head spin.

"when was the last time u pushed urself to the limit?"

my answer? SILENCE.

for the first time in a long time, i was left speechless. "it shouldnt be this hard" i told myself. i should KNOW this.. but it was hard and i didnt know it and i couldnt answer. i didnt have one interesting story to tell. kinda pathetic yeah? and it bothered me enough that today, a week later, i'm still reflecting on it.

im kind of a scary. im scared of roller coasters, terrified of heights, spiders and i am DEATHLY afraid of the water. so ive always steered clear of shit that'll put my life in jeopardy such as jumping out of a perflectly good working plane (who does that?) and deep sea diving or whatever.

but u know what? i want my heart to race. i want to feel exhilerated and carefree and i want to FLY. i think a few blogs ago i said, "sometimes u gotta jump if u wanna get lifted." so maybe i should take my own advice.

u down? i got healthcare. lets do it. BOOM!

ashes to ashes.. dust to dust..

2009-02-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

i meant to write this yesterday but got so caught up with writing for my other blog that i didnt get a chance. but i wont apologize. i'm writing it now. here we go.

it was ash wednesday yesterday, the start of the lentin season. for those of you who aren't catholic, lent is the season directly preceding easter. it is a time to reflect, to fast, and to abstain in rememberance of Jesus' sacrifice for us. ever see that movie "40 days and 40 nights" where homie abstains from sex? thats that. this season i have decided to give up smoking.

yes. i am a smoker. yes. i swear like a gangsta rapper. yes. i eat fatty foods. yes. i dont give a fuck. i quit smoking when i was pregnant and have since picked it back up because cigarettes and alcohol just go so well together. but lately, i've been inspired to healthify. and i dont care if healthify isnt a real word, its what popped into my head and its what is going down on paper.

along with healthifying my life, i've made a conscious decision to never censor myself. ever. im that girl that gives u the brutal truth with a smile on her face, cuz frankly, u need to hear it from someone and it might as well be me. but i can also handle shit talkers and if u got shit to say, LET IT RAIN. dont gotta be shit shit. just u know.. shit. haha did that make sense? probably not but whatever.

ever meet someone or see something and be inspired? u all of a sudden want to better urself for the sake of ur future, because u make ur own bed and u sleep in it later and u reap what u sew and all that jazz.. so u promise urself u'll be better than u are because ur never the best u can be at any given moment. but then that 'instant gratification' shit kicks in and u dont wanna work so hard bc u'd rather just sit at home and play video games or shop or watch real world because blood, sweat, and tears are way overrated. and then 2 years later ur back at where u started wondering how u managed to do NOTHING and go NOWHERE.

fuck the bullshit and fuck the cliches. think outside the box. word smart and not just hard. with the economic crisis in the worst state of my lifetime, and along with the realization that tomorrow is never promised... the future is thrown out the window. today, i will be the best version of me for TODAY. tomorrow, i'll be better than today. the day after that, will be better than tomorrow. one day at a time people. small steps.

u should look at urself everyday and say, "hey. i'm the shit." and if u dont already do so, try it. because u need to hold urself on a pedastol so u dont settle for mediocre.. because u know what? i'm the shit and i dont settle. she's the shit and she shouldnt settle. ur the shit and u wont settle. if no one's there to tell u how fly u are, that doesnt mean u aint fly. it just means no one around u has the balls enough to pay a compliment where its due.

u know what? i got big balls. and even though i'm really not this cocky, i come off as such because im gonna fake it till i make it. and when i do make it, i'll look back and be able to say i really believed in myself. cuz today, i havent had a cigarette. which means today, i'm better than i was yesterday. even though i'm already having nicotine withdrawals and nervous twitching.. but fuck it.. cuz IM THE SHIT.

dear diary..

2009-02-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

im talkin with my girl about this guy she likes... and i dont understand why she's waiting for him to make the first move. we've been over the criteria (which if u havent read, i suggest u do so, because every woman should) .. and he passes with flying colors..

but yet she still waits and waits. i mean, whats wrong with going after what you want? opportunity dont always come a knockin, so just build a door right? i get that u wanna be swept off ur feet, but it dont always happen and sometimes u gotta jump if u wanna get lifted.

on another note... i think feb has been a GREAT month. hawaii kicked it off right, then valentine's day.. celebrating life.. the husband's birthday.. and snowboarding.. man, who gets to say they can snowboard and surf in the same month? I DO. =)

get up. get out. get some.

bringin it back.

2009-02-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

sometimes the best thing to say at the moment is something you've already said.

back on the grind after a hiatus from my 9-5, and i realize that i dont wanna be here. and i'm not just talking about physically..let-me-just-call-in-and-play-hookie-dont wanna be here.. BUT I DONT WANNA BE HERE.. as in, if i have to hustle like this for the rest of my life i'd rather shoot myself in the foot.

i am a wife, a mother, a sister, a best friend...and i embrace those titles whole-heartedly. i, on the other hand, am NOT a "patient services specialist" or whatever the fuck the MAN wants to call me. i have a ferver for life and exploration, and constantly want to try new, fun things. but this job.. this work.. this grind... is draining the passion outta me.

passion -- whatta word. according to the dictionary it means "a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept." according to me it means rushing home everyday after work so i can give my son smelly kisses. it means pulling my man outside so he can kiss me in the rain even if its 40 degrees outside. it means dragging my ass outta bed even when i dont really want to so i can enjoy the sunshine in SF... it means going to the gun range because they said so. it means picking up the phone and calling that friend who i havent talked to in awhile to catch up and actually BE A FRIEND. it means booking that flight to new york for the simple fact that its on sale today.

do you ever feel like the sun is shining for you? because it does. its says 'hey bitch! get ur ass up and DO SHIT!" go play tourista and rediscover your love for the city. go pick up your cousin and eat at your favorite restaurant as you talk shit about "that girl".. go read a book at rockaway beach while u make fun of that male jogger wearing those pink hotpants. go bake a cake or something and give it to ur mom who u havent visited in a week. much more satisfying than pretending to work in an office.

i yearn for days where i have the option to do any and all of these things.. and i currently loathe my days full of bullshit work. i daydream all day about something DIFFERENT. anything else. i am no longer going to accept evenings and weekends as MY time. i am on a MISSION to revive my passion for my DAYS and restore my ardor for life... walk with me till the end of the rainbow..

stay tuned for more 'dear diary' shit if i ever feel like it. urgh. back to the hell! (who wants to kidnap me and take me to the beach?)*on a side note Tat, Miche, and I are making panties. seriously. check us out here. buy a panty. network. whatever. everyday.SXE. because SXE is standing in the rain as you push me up against the hood of your car, tearin up my shirt and kissing me with the intent to never stop. and we believe u should feel like that everyday.* ... .

one of these days ill be able to turn this part time gig into my full time gig... and then i'll be calling ur ass to catch the fuck up and be a friend.

check the expiration, son.

2009-02-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

(i've started my own dictionary. check the "word" gadget on the right)

ok. its friday, and you know what that means. ABSOLUTE BOREDOM. i just got back from paradise, and its about to be a three day weekend, so my girls and i have nothing better to do than to tsissmiss. about what you ask? our favorite topic! UGLIES.

for those of you who do not know what an ugly is, let me explain. its pretty damn simple actually. an ugly is someone who looks, dresses, speaks, or acts ugly. for the purpose of this blog however, we are talking about people who used to be cute, or still have a cute face, but have now crossed the line into ugly territory.

i hate how people who used to be cute, all of a sudden look like they were raised in the boonies and are going to a fiesta and then STILL rock it like i'm supposed to be jockin. i think not. pogi points expire!!!! and if someone has told u otherwise, they lied to you. probably so they look better standing next to your unfashionable self.

lets go through a few examples of things that will revoke the pogi card shall we?
on a guy:

zebra shorts. where in god's green earth is it ok to put animal print on a man? espcially on shorts? SERIOUSLY. do not pass go. do not collect $200. in fact, let me burn those along with item number 2.
a deep v neck sweater with no shirt underneath. nigga i can see your belly button! HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE?
fringed denim w/ square toed shoes. enough said.
glitter. i think i was watching an mtv special on jersey guys and this buff ass good looking guy slathered himself with glitter before putting on the tightest wife beater and shades TO GO CLUBBING. no wonder he's single.
running shoes. unless ur actually running or working out, it is not acceptable to wear these to a club, or any other night time event.

on a girl:

boots with the fur. (unless you're a gogo dancer and ur wearing it at a gig). wedge, zip up boots with the fur? what year is it? just cuz flo rida sang about does NOT mean its ok. trust me. thats why you're stuck at the corner of the bar buying drinks for yourself cuz ur fucking wawa and ugly. and did i mention ugly?
platform tsinelas. oh. dear. lord. after coming back from an island where these are the shoe of choice for the local girls (seriously, they wear them with every outfit), i think i want to vomit. these will minus pogi points from ANY outfit you wear, no matter how cute it is. and being pretty dont negate the fact that those slippers are still no bueno. no fucking bueno.
crochet skirt. actually anything crochet (minus a sweater and the choice swimsuit)
leg warmers. these were only in in the 80s, and a few years back for a HOT second. stop holding on to the dream.

on anyone:

bad teeth. ok the grill gotta be clean, somewhat straight, and kinda white. AT LEAST. dont come at a member of the opposite sex with a snaggletooth the size of bricks. not a good look. bad breath is in the same category.
B.O. i gives a fuck if you hella fly, got the flyest fit on, the flyest shoes, the flyest hair.... if u walk into anywhere smelling like a bag of onions I PROMISE YOU, YOU ARE UGLY.
too small clothes. if you think no one notices that your top is just a lil too small, think again. i can see ur back fat through the stretched out material and ur belly fat is rolling over your extra smedium jeans. and your toes are cliffhanging off those shoes. ARE THOSE EVEN YOUR CLOTHES?

it just amazes me sometimes how ex-cuties (aka uglies) still think they're cute. step your game up, yo. cuz if u haven't noticed, you're wearing zebra shorts and boots with the fur. oh and u have a little lettuce stuck in ur teeth. right there. yeah, its still there.

*shivers*

god must LOVE stupid people

2009-02-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

because they're fucking everywhere!!!

i get that not everyone likes their job, their situation, their circumstance.. but fuck if thats the case then get off ur ass and CHANGE THAT SHIT.

you are not a plant. you are NOT STAGNANT. you have the opportunity and the ability to change everything about yourself. the way you think directly affects the way you live and not the other way around. dont serve me any of that "woe is me" bullshit on a platter because i am not buyin it. too many people want shit to just fall into their laps instead of working hard to get what they think they deserve. shit dont work like that. money makes the world go round and blood, sweat, and tears earn that money. dont talk about it, and just be about it. because that sob story you givin is just not a good look.

if you dont like the way you look, hit the gym or stop complaining about how your size 6 jeans just dont seem to fit anymore. too broke to go on vacay with me? ask for overtime instead of donations. sick of your scrublife boyfriend? he's ugly anyways so drop his ass. easier said than done, but once its done its easy. TRUST.

rant over. fuck you and have a nice day.

"there isnt much i have to say, that i wouldnt rather just shut up and do." 'CHUCH

808 bizness. (updated)

2009-02-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

bitter is the new black.

2009-02-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

i bought this book for hawaii, but i couldnt help but start reading it today.. i only got thru the first three pages and i 'm fucking DYING. me and this bitch could be friends. here's an excerpt

chapter 1.
flying too close to the sun

Camille said you stole a bag from a homeless guy."
"Well I guess that depends on your definition of 'steal.' I didnt swipe the briefcase,
but i didnt pay for it either," I reply to my rapt audience with a shrug. They gape at me with open mouths. Apparently this is not a satisfactory explanation.
"OK, I'll tell you the story, but I'm going to need a little lubrication first." I whistle for the waitress' attention and when she looks my way, I shake my highball glass and flash my freshly veneered multipl-thousand-dollar smile. She approaches with
trepidation

"You, bring me one of these every twenty minutes until we dock or I fall overboard," I instruct her while swirling the ice in my jewel-colored cocktail.

Hearing this, my cohorts break into the kind of congratulatory laughter exclusive to drunken salespeople. The waitress emits a fake chuckle, too, although I sense she's almost had it with me. What-ever. Have I NOT stuffed her apron full of twenties all
afternoon? How about a little gratitude? When I was a waitress I would have KILLED to work on a boat like this. Instead, I slaved away in a shitty campus bar serving college athletes who considered a good tip a quarter and a grope worthy of a sexual harassment suit. (Seriously, if the basketball team kept their hands on the ball half as often as they tried on my ass, we'd have totally won the Big Ten Converence that year.) And I was thankful for the opportunity. This girl is lucky to have caught me in the beginning of a story, or i would totally give her the news...even if it meant my next cocktail came with a spit chaser.

Pick this shit up! i think i got it at target. "Bitter is the New Black." by Jen Lancaster. Confessions a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart ass, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the unemployment office.

Chronicles of HEFFERISM, vol 5

2009-02-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

its been a while since i've done one of these.. so here we go.

currently craving GARLIC SPAM - i've only found this shit in Hawaii's Walmart and gadamn this tastes 10x better than it sounds. and i know it already sounds good right? garlic infused spam? shit, garlic infused anything is grrrreaaatt! i'll be sure to leave extra space in my suitcase for the cans i plan on bringing back home.

take me back to BOOTS AND KIMO'S - 3 days and counting till i'm back at my all time favorite breakfast spot on Oahu. .. the home of the original macadamia nut pancake sauce, this is always always ALWAYS the first stop on the first morning i wake up on hawaii.. located in a small town called Kailua, its the perfect place to eat, then head to my all time favorite beach.. lanikai. if u make it here, try the pulehu ribs, portugese sausage, corn beef hash omelette, and wash it all down with a side of banana macadamia nut pancakes and some lilikoi juice! i cannot WAIIIT.. if an orgasm on a plate existed, it would be sold at boots.

let me make DAE DAE'S CHEESE PUFFS - named after my girl who makes em, Dana.. she made these for us on Xmas, and again last sunday for superbowl and god, can they be heaven in a fried wrapper??
ingredients:
hella chopped bacon (1 pack)
1 1/2 sticks cream cheese
4 oz sour cream
1 bunch spinach
wonton wrappers
cook bacon till crispy. drain. add spinach, let wilt. add cream cheese and sour cream till melted. wrap in wonton wrapper. deep fry the bitch. garnish with cilantro and serve with spicy sweet n sour sauce. ta-fuckin-da its a party in ur mouth.

i want to try THE FRONT PORCH - the spicy crab and grits made it to 7x7's SF 100 things to eat and drink before you die... spicy crab? thats like, my all time favorite combination. let me google map that shit n ill tell u about it when i get back.

until next time folks!

oh its ON!

2009-01-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

my friends and I (Jess, Lanie, and Abi) are having a minor contest to see which one of us looks like the better bella.. vote for me here!!! I write under "the new mayor of forks"

c'mon PLEASEEE!

Create your own FACEinHOLE

growing pains

2009-01-26T12:38:00.001-08:00

"we know we're near the end.. the best is ready to begin."

that was my high school senior quote. little did i know how true that could be. endings are always bittersweet, because there is always something new following it. its the 26th of january, and only now do i find the time to reflect on the last year, on my circumstances and my character, and put it down on paper..

2008 was the most trying year of my life, emotionally. i gave birth to twins, buried one, and tried to hold myself together as the other fought his way through the NICU. i took 6 months off of work as the economy worsened, watched my credit go to shit, cut back on shopping while trying to maintain my standard of living. i went out, and on vacations to try and keep my "chi" in check, but there were nights when i didnt think i could stand to wake up in the morning. i fell out with my best friend, and even though i dont regret the outcome, it always hurts when you lose someone you cared for in any way, shape, or form.

one of Adonis' ninongs told me, that he never really liked me till i got pregnant. (gee thanks, ariel) and that motherhood changed me. i think tee had the best summation of my character when she said "Rachel? she's not friendly but she's a good friend." my best friend cat said that i am the meanest and yet most caring person she's ever known. (how thats possible i'm not sure) but i think this year, i became the epitome of opposite juxtaposition. this year i let it all go, i let it all hang out, and i let it all change me.

my husband and i celebrated our one year marriage anniversary last year... and i really have no words to explain how i feel about him. he drives me absolutely INSANE, but i wouldnt want to be sane with anybody else. he has been the steady hand to my shaken soul, has cried with me, for me, about me and still choses to spend every night asleep next to me. if that aint love, i dont know what is.

through it all, i've gained perspective. i know WHERE i've been and where i'm going. i know WHAT i'm willing to fight for. i know WHO i will ride or die for. i know WHEN to close my eyes and jump, and HOW to let God take care of the rest.

good to great in 2008. see me shine in 2009.
boss bizness.. here we go.

apologies

2009-01-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

...for my absence. i haven't found the time (or the balls) to do anything non-work related at work. but today, i really could give a fuck if they see me blogging or not. with that said... HELLO! the inauguration yesterday was inspiring, uplifting, and i got extra swag in my step cuz we got a black president. according to my other husband, justin timberlake, having Obama as president makes the united states just that much cooler. and i have to agree...

i've been uninspired to write anything worthy of blogging lately, mainly because i've been too busy wah-ing over this whole work ordeal and prepping for hawaii.. so as i ease back into the groove of things, i only have one thing to say..

i'm back and in full effect, boyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!!!

mind ur damn bizness

2009-01-16T08:08:00.001-08:00

i find myself in a FUNK this week. one of my nosy ass coworkers snitched to my boss about my internet usage (meebo, myspace, blogger, etc) and now i'm on lock. the only reason i found out that my shit is being monitored now, is because my friend in I.T. got the request and called me right away.... this "no non-work-related internet" shit is really throwing me off. i feel so disconnected from the world, i havent checked my myspace, checked ANY of my favorite blogs, even posted anything on my own blog... and i have to use aim on my phone. WAH!

but where there's a will, theres a way. didja know u can post a blog to blogspot by email? which is exactly what i'm doing right now.. so please bare with me while i get my funk straightened out. i shall return to you all shortly...

in the meantime, who wants to find me a new job? forreal forreal i need one.

Rachel Tan Brito
San Mateo Medical Center

This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and protected information. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.

feeling lucky..

2009-01-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

i found this picture while looking through my old computer at my parents house... baker beach on a cold ass day, walking hand in hand with my then fiance... i am so blessed to have found someone who knows all my flaws and yet loves me anyways. thats all.

t'why-i-like Twilight

2009-01-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

thanks to Yoshi and Miss Lawn for starting our Twilight Book Club/ Blogroll...

What the Forks?

"In our last efforts to prolong our obsession (yes, it’s an obsession) of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, Jess and I have finally put up our blog, “What The Forks?” for all ya’ll. Continue to check us out for your daily dose of all things Twilight cuz we know if you’re just like us, you can’t ever get enough Twilight. We’ll be posting anything and everything… whether it be, news on the upcoming New Moon movie, our thoughts on the books, or gossip and pics of the cast, specifically our favorite and yours, Robert Pattinson, aka Edward Cullen… swoooonnn!!!" - misslawncullen

ENGRISH

2009-01-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

AIM chat room - ihatework
[10:51] Anna: am i repeating myself if i say "smelly odor"?
[10:52] Bern: technically yes you are repeating yourself
[10:52] Anna: i am?
[10:52] Anna: urgh
[10:52] Queenie: isnt odor just smell? or is it always just bad smell?
[10:53] Bern: odor is just smell
[10:53] raaachem: odor is just smell
[10:53] raaachem: smelly implies that it smells bad
[10:53] Bern: but if you describe something as smelly it's the same?
[10:53] raaachem: yes
[10:53] raaachem: smelly = bad odor
[10:53] Bern: so you wouldn't need both words right?
[10:53] Queenie: but smell and odor are nouns like scent and aroma
[10:54] raaachem: true story
[10:54] Bern: american english SUCKS!
[10:54] Bern: lol
[10:54] Anna: how about stank odor?
[10:54] Queenie: yah it does!
[10:55] Anna: Stank odor repeating myself?
[10:55] Queenie: i dont get how some words are the same. minute as in time and minute as in small. makes no sense!!!
[10:55] Bern: lol
[10:55] Bern: right!
[10:56] Queenie: and u pronounce them differently. WTF??!!? ITS THE SAME!!! lol
[10:56] raaachem: lol.
[10:56] Bern: lol.
[10:56] raaachem: and no
[10:56] raaachem: stank odor is NOT repeating urself
[10:56] raaachem: well
[10:56] raaachem: technically
[10:56] Queenie: oh and produce as in to produce and produce as in fruit and veggies
[10:56] raaachem: stank is the adjective to odor's noun
[10:56] Bern: hahaha
[10:57] Anna: slamit!
[10:57] Queenie: if thats the case then why is body odor = bad odor?
[10:57] Bern: i technically see it as repeating bc when something is "stank" or "smelly" you automatically think odor
[10:57] Queenie: my body has an odor but i do not stank!
[10:57] Bern: but all the same
[11:00] Queenie: whos odor are u talking about to begin with?
[11:00] Bern: hahaha
[11:02] Anna: my co workers...
[11:02] Anna: her pits are stinging my nose
[11:03] Bern: EWWW
[11:03] Queenie: hahahhaha
[11:03] Anna: or the sweater she leaves in the offices need to be washed

for those of you who think that my AIM chats consist of talking shit, trying to take over the world, or plotting your demise.. you have been proven wrong. we talk about..STUPID SHIT. all day... today's topic, the idiocracy of the engrish language.

steezy

2009-01-06T14:27:00.001-08:00

this is new. lets see how long it keeps my interest.. thanks jess!

http://lookbook.nu/raaachem

you ALMOST had me...

2009-01-05T12:57:00.001-08:00

ALMOST... but no cigar.

you almost had me feeling sorry for you, again. you almost had me feeling like i was a bad friend. you almost convinced me that you arent so bad. you almost made me apologize for not "being there for you when you needed me".. you almost got me thinking its not ur fault. you almost made me want to completely forgive you and try and be friends again.. you almost had me...

and then i remembered how you almost became the ninang of my son, but u didnt show up. and then you almost opened the xmas gift i got you last year, but you werent there at the party. and you almost saw my surviving son in the NICU when he was born, but you didnt come to the hospital. or how you almost called me at the perfect time one year ago because i needed you more than anything... but you called me for something else entirely. you almost had me believe that i meant something to you, but then disappointed me at every chance u could. you almost let me try and be there for you, but then you went and disappeared..

... you almost had me thinking that you could change... but you didnt.

and you cant cry your way out of this one. you cant twist shit around and somehow make it about you and somehow make it my fault , and then say how i should feel sorry for you and just magically FORGET all the foul shit thats gone down.. because point blank, i cant.

even though i almost thought i could....

and almost doesnt count.

Happy birthday boys..

2009-01-03T08:57:00.001-08:00

January 3, 2009:
Happy 1st birthday to my sons..Adonis and Mateo. I love you always

-- Post From My iPhone

for '09

2008-12-29T09:24:00.001-08:00

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

no bueno

2008-12-23T13:09:00.001-08:00

i dont have pet peeves. i have major, psychotic, fucking hatreds!

so i'm sick of hearing all this christmas joy and what not. christmas always kicks my ass. i'm stressed out buying 6549843249876 gifts for people, what to give, how much to spend, how i'm gonna afford to drink water after this always always ALWAYS leaves me in a bitter ass mood. shopping is NOT fun when its not for me. (especially when every store plays the same christmas muzak on blast and i aint in the mood for fuckin raindrops on raindeers or however the fuck the song goes.)

but i digress. when i'm already stressed, the little things that kinda bother me, start to really really bother me, and the pet peeves give birth to major mental meltdowns and i feel sorry for whoever is on the receiving end of my unfiltered mouth. so, until i'm stress free (which is after my son's first birthday), please keep me clear of the following:

- denim on denim. this went out in the 90's i thought? WHY do girls insist on doing it still?
- french tip toe nails. my bff loves to do this, but i dont understand why u want ur toes to look like fingers with long nails.
- feeling like i gotta shit RIGHT when i get outta the shower. i hate when this happens.
- someone who eats the last of ur favorite food.
- drivers who dont use their turn signal. can u not move ur finger one fucking inch to let me know where u tryin to go? really?
- girls who think they steezy, but really aint. dont u have friends to tell u the truth about ur outfit?
- wet socks. especially when you spent 10 minutes and 39 seconds trying to find the matching pair to your favorite ones.
- dry or undercooked rice. the fuck is that?
- phone numbers with 9 or 11 digits. WOW.
- meebo's fucked up servers.
- fuckin posers. or hypebeasts. or single white females.
- olives.
- non- words. understoodable? OMG lemme buy u a dictionary for xmas. and just cuz biggie said it, dont mean that conversate is a word. the word is converse! like the shoe! except the emphasis is on a different syllable. say it with me now.. converse!
- friends who are lightweight annoying and mooch on car rides, food, your first born child.
- friends that say they're gonna disappear and dont answer ur calls, then get mad when they dont get emailed, texted, IMed or invited to vegas. cry me a fuckin river.

i promise i'm not always this shitty. just spreading myself, my time, my resources a lil too thin right now. maybe i'll be better yomotto. (Adri!!!) if not tomorrow, i'll def be a happy camper on thursday after all my gifts have been opened and i know i went broke to see the people i love smile. cuz THAT makes it worth it..

merry christmas you guys!

i shine, u shine..

2008-12-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

i did end up suka-ing... but i was still shinin' none the less..

thanks to everyone who came out to celebrate with me, i couldnt have lost my liver without you! from the henn shots while pre-funkin at the set, to the last tokyo tea that made me suka my dinner, i had THEE best time with all of my favorite people. (really, my entire address book came out. i am so grateful!) pics are up on my shutterfly..

sittin on top of the world.

2008-12-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

i am BLESSED. all the people who mean anything to me have taken a time out to wish me a happy birthday. i haven't truly celebrated my birthday in like 3 years cuz 1. its so close to the holidays that i'm usually just too stressed out, 2. last year was my big 2-5, but i was 7 months pregnant, and 3. i'm kind of a big deal everyday, not just on my birthday. ha.

more than ever, i feel.... complete. i've let go of those who have nothing positive to contribute to my life, all the while nurturing the friendships i have with amazing people who make life that much easier to endure. my ride or die chicks... my around the way girls...my amazing family...buckle up cuz the ride to the top is gonna be ridiculous.

life is grand, God is great, and i'm finally able to revisit that point where i'm absolutely content, not complacent, with my life. i'm convinced that i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be and THAT my friends, is what has me on cloud nine.

happy twenty six to me. herrrreee we goo!

808's and surfbreaks

2008-12-15T11:19:00.000-08:00

"ho, sista wea u stay?"

its OFFICIAL. i will be in the 808 state with my favorite people for the pro bowl and my hubby's 26th birthday. persistence pays off... cuz i've been waiting to book tickets since october, but i was not about to drop $450 on flight tickets, when last march we paid $300. so we waited. and waited. and waited. and today, they were in the $300+ range, so out came my credit card.

i am such a happy camper today. usually on mondays, god punishes me for having a good weekend, but today.. TODAY is a good day

things i'm looking forward to -

leonards malasadas

chantilly puffs

zippys

poke

roy's

shopping

giovannis

boots and kimos

waimea falls

the sun

snorkeling

shark's cove

ko'olina

lanikai (my favoriteee)

kailua

ewa beach

dixie grill

i'm too excited to even write a blog with proper engrish and coherent sentences. aaaaahhhhh!!! we rollin 20 deep and its gonna be fuckin MANY. (btw, thats many, like maniacs.. not many, like a lot. get with it people)

sista u like rage um? meeeaan grindz broke da mout! cruisin all day and we stay beach da kine. hemo da panty.. no time, mary no time! hahahaha!!!

dubb, be ready. we gettin hyphy in hawaii. CHUCH.

maryyyyyy...

2008-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

i read this poem on gailey's blog yesterday that really smacked me in the face. how many times do we make the same mistake in our lives, before we realize we need to change? thanks mary fo' da kine truth like dat.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
By: Portia Nelson

Chapter I
I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

go me, its my birthday..

2008-12-10T14:31:00.001-08:00

you are so fucking fired.

2008-12-10T10:51:00.000-08:00

"i wish they'd understand"... "i just dont wanna have to prove myself ya know?"

bitch, u always want the easy way out... they were right about you.

bebot bebot

2008-12-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

"Winner...the fighting pride of the philippines... mannnnyy 'pacman' paccccuiiaaoooooooo!!!!"

Last night's fight was absolutely bananas. I watched in awe, along with 30 of our friends, as pacquiao kicked de la hoya's asssss. (even tho i secretly think de la hoya is wayy too handsome to mess up his pretty face.) I stand just a little bit taller today because i got that filipino pride thang goin on..

but whats with some other people tho. some people who, before today, swore they were just 'a lil' filipino.. more spanish and hawaiian.. or so she claimed.. than filipino (when her parents came straight from the philippines and she was born and raised in the bay).. what's wrong with being filipino? i swear some people are so obsessed with being mestiza that i overheard a girl once tell someone that she was "hispanic and korean" when we were both just talking to each other in tagalog. yeah uh huh. sooo irritating. i think that may be one of my biggest pet peeves. you are filipino bitch. why try and pass as something other than that? arent u proud of yourself? your heritage? if u aint, how u expect other people to respect you, your nationality, your history?

yeah yeah, i got those days where i get a lil embarassed cuz that girl on youtube sings "kees mee" instead of "kiss me". other days the chinese in me takes over and i get lost, drive slow and/or reckless, and believe the dmv should take away my license. yeah there are times when i hate the damn spaniards for raping my great grand mother and replacing her filipino last name with a spanish one, and then remember i was the president of the spanish honor society (hablo espanol putas). but never do i forget nor deny that i am what i am. and shit, i think i make it look flossy.

AMERICA ARE YOU SERIOUS? if u mixed u mixed. if u arent u arent. so the fuck what? i got brown skin, dark eyes, and black hair. although i do have a pointed nose and a chinese grandfather, does that make me any less filipino? hell to the no. i'm the first one to ask for seconds of champorado and tuyo, and i will throw a banig at you if u bag on my kare kare. i am beautiful in all my filipina glory and so are you... and just cuz pacquiao won, doesnt mean that today should be the only day you acknowledge that.

CHUCH.

wait for it... wait for it..

2008-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

- 2 weeks: i turn twenty-six. i made 25 look flossy. watch what i do with 26....
- 1 month: my boys turn oneeee! i cant believe i've been a mom for a year already. time flies!
- soon: snowboarding. nts, get new gear.
- 2 months and 2 days: pro bowl in hawaii.. 808 watch out!
- free time. sounds simple but ive forgotten what it feels like.
- who knows when: new job. i need one. i hate work.

'You are glasses."

2008-11-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

this is like needing glasses. when i was a kid, i would get these headaches and i went to the doctor and they said that i needed glasses. i didnt understand that. it didnt make sense to me because i could see fine and then i get the glasses and i put them on and im in the car on the way home and suddenly.. i yell. because the big green blobs that ive been staring at my whole life.. they werent big green blobs.. they were leaves! on trees! i could see the leaves..and i didnt even know i was missing the leaves. i didnt even know that leaves existed and then.. leaves! you are glasses. -- dr. ericka hahn, grey's anatomy

before i was a mother, i thought i saw the world. i was a 25-year-old-miss-independent-head-over-heels-in-love-bad-ass-bitch. last year at this time, i was pregnant with twins, just moved into our first home, and celebrating life. then i got sideswiped with a twist of fate that i never saw coming... and my vision clouded. my head spun, and i swore i would never see the world with clear eyes again. i just could not understand. i just WOULD not understand. i was existing, and not LIVING.

i reflect on the last year, i see the soul searching, and the pleading and the tears.. i also see the inquisition in my son's eyes.. the way his teeth are growing in just a little bit crooked, the way he loves bananas and climbing on the bed and listening to his papa sing.. and i realize that he is my glasses. since he has been in my life, the world has been different. my vision was not clouded.. it was just changed. i no longer see the world in regards to myself, but i see it for him. he has changed my entire being, and no wonder!!!! i have been waiting for the world to go back to the way it was before, but it never will be, because have been irrevocably changed from the inside out. i see that. i understand that. i accept that.

its about forgiveness. forgiving myself. accepting that i could not have foreseen what happened, nor been able to change it. not blaming myself, or God, for something that had always been in His plan for me.. this is never the road i imagined taking, but exactly the path i'm supposed to be on. i know that now. one step at a time. Adonis is my glasses and my shit is 20/20. i can see me.

around the way girls..

2008-11-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

between making sure my son is eating enough solid foods, changing his diapers, checking my bank acct, keeping my make-up fresh, stepping my shoe game up, buying new clothes, e-mailing or texting my friends, having sex with the husband, complaining about my weight, smoking and/or drinking, daydreaming about my next vacay, and not dying of boredom at work.. i sometimes come up with random shit to obsess about until i get over it and start obsessing about something else.. at the moment, my current obsession is on my kris kringle wish list... so i need something else to oogle over. until i find it, i'm writing this blog just because its the day before thanksgiving and i refuse to work because i think its illegal to do so when its so close to a major holiday.

in the spirit of thanksgiving, i'd like to take a timeout to say that i have THEE most amazing people in my life and am so grateful to the lord for blessing me with positive, uplifting souls to surround me. so here, in a nutshell, is a list of my around the way girls... the girls that, around the way, have been inspiring, uplifting, and the source of lots of laughter and great memories.

in no particular order..
cat - my very best friend. 8 years strong and counting!
bern - i told u that u were a keeper!
queenie - nbf! three words. travel. photography. food.
jae - you are the strongest woman i have ever known.
anna - my nbf's bff. your humor is always a breath of fresh air. can u move here already?
michelle - my sister! my best friend! brito's fo life.
wella - fuck bitch i hella miss you. buncha bullshit!
janass - the biggest bitch that i've known thus far.. and that aint a bad thing. =)
iya biya - the biggest little girl i know.
abi - sooo homo, hayati. the fuck is a purple happy face?
adri - boob talk all dayyy. u tried to make me go to rehab and i said YES. YES. YES.
leslieannnn- team jada on my mama, nigga!!
kris - three words. single. white. female.
nes - roti nigga, roti!
dyna - i love my baby mama
gailey - ho sista wea u stea? i love you mary!
tee - when can we make peach sangria again?
tat - my living diary. thank you for knowing everything about me, and still loving me.
baning - ninang healthy.. im hungry! potato casserole pleaseeeeee
char star - be.bella
baker - kailua will always be our beach. always.
ape - mama mia, here i go again. my my, how can i resist you?
angggg- "why is she fat? and ugly?"
chey - dude where we gonna have ur bachelorette.
patti - lets go buy red velvet cupcakes and gush over edward cullen.
agnes - cuz we O.G. triple O.G.! vegas baby!

"i dont remember many girls, cuz they talk too much."... but these girls got my back, my ear, and make sure i dont have food in my teeth and that my makeup still looks good. MY GIRLS SHIT ON YOUR GIRLS. and i gives a fuck if u beg to differ.

so happy thanksgiving and eat lots of turkey and get food coma cuz thats exactly what i'm gonna do tomorrow! adios habibis!

my face, u guys.. my face!

2008-11-24T13:14:00.000-08:00

so i've been getting a lot of compliments on my makeup from a couple weeks back...i dont usually wear so much makeup on the regular, but it was a full M.A.C. face and here's the entire list of products used. i like to say that i just wake up looking this fabulous, but it actually takes some kind of work.. about 20 products and about 30 minutes. lol.

all products are listed in order of application and brush numbers are written next to item

face
fix +
strobe cream moisturizer, 189
prep and prime skin, 189
studio fix fluid foundation in NC45, 189
studio finish concealer in nc35 (under eyes and on blemishes), 217

powder blush in gingerly, 129
mineralize skin finish medium dark (contour), 138
mineralize skin finish light medium (highlight), 138
fix +

eyes
fast response eye cream, 217
prep and prime eye in medium dark, 217
paint pot in painterly (lid to brow), 217
shadow in charcoal brown (brow fill), 266
eye shadows:
-nylon (brow highlight), 252
-soft brown (crease), 224
-embark (corner V), 222
-paradisco (lid) , 239
fluidline in blacktrack, 266
eye kohl in smolder (waterline)
eye shadow in star by night (along bottom lashline), 219
zoomlash in zoomblack

lip

lip conditioner

cremestick liner in cream 'o' spice

lipstick in hug me

lustreglass in love nectar

and TADA. im ready. =)

it dont take a whole day to recognize sunshine..

2008-11-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

its been unusually warm and sunshiney for winter... especially for san francisco where the only season we have is called fog. but when i get the chance to wear a dress in november because the weather permits, ima take full advantage.

sometimes the clouds cover the rays of happy sun, but whats comforting is that you still KNOW the sun is there, even if you cant see it. i read a really good quote on kris' blog the other day.. (click the pic to hit up her page). amazing isnt it? smiling is the new black, and i have the sun to thank for that. =)

fresh off the boat, B.

2008-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

mommy - anak, how do i open my email attachment
me - double click it
mommy - i do, but hindi naman na bubuksan.
daddy - rach, it opens microsoft works.
me - am i on speaker?
*silence*
me - ohhkay, just fwd me the email and ill see about the attachment.

(dad forwards me email with the message "how the hell do you open this thing?" i call back.)

me - mommy? its a power point attachment. you have to open it in power point
mommy - ano? power plate attachment?
me - no power point
mommy - power plate
me - power POINT!
mommy - why are you yelling. ang hirap mo kausapin.

hahahahahahahaHHAHAH. i love my parents.

freedom is in the mind so let me speak it

2008-11-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

"they call it the past, cuz i'm gettin past.. " - a.keys

i keep writing these rants about this damn situation and then deleting...but fuck it this one's staying up. everything she says is bullshit. he said she's cancer. she said she's a liar.. but to me, she aint a liar, but a bullshitter. for those of you who are confused, let me explain...

it is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth. producing bullshit requires no such conviction. a person who lies is thereby responding to the truth, and he is to that extent respectful of it. when an honest man speaks, he says only what he believes to be true; and for the liar, it is correspondingly indispensable that he considers his statements to be false.

for the bullshitter, however, all these bets are off: he is neither on the side of the true nor on the side of the false. his eye is not on the facts at all, as the eyes of the honest man and of the liar are, except insofar as they may be pertinent to his interest in getting away with what he says. he does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. he just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose.

she's been fired, and i started to clean my closet and weed out the rest of the bullshit.. and i'm happy to say, that after taking stock of the inventory of my life, i found nothing but good, positive people. love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes right? fuck alla that im done! my eyes are open and i need my shades cuz its a bright and sunshiney day.

so thanks to the rest of you no bullshit/ real talk / no homo/ yes homo/ not for nuthin people in my world who prove to me everyday what a friend is all about. i aint done.. i'm doing. and i'm doing it with the best set of bitches next to me... i know, i know, i'm a cold heartless bitch. but how much fun would i be if i wasnt?

rant over. done. pau. NEXT!

thanks Tee

2008-11-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

"Rachel? She's not friendly, but she's a good friend." - Tee

i couldnt have said it better myself. =)

99 years.

2008-11-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

today is my lola's 99th birthday.

she has been witness to 2 world wars, to a man walking on the moon. she has moved her family from the impoverished third world of the philippines, to the san francisco bay area which i now call home. she has seen many things in her century of living.. and yesterday, together, we witnessed the election of the first african american president of the united states.

we made history. and she is just as hopeful as i am that change is coming our way. told ya! obama fo yo mama! and apparently, my daddy's mama too.

Happy Birthday Lola.! i love you!

Can you hear me now?

2008-11-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

..because I'm SCREAMING!

A wise man in the rain does not struggle against the rain. He neither tries in futility to walk between the drops or run through them hoping to avoid the rain. He accepts the rain as part of his reality and is released from the stress others might find themselves to be in walking outside on a rainy day.

I want to be that person. I want to be able to accept what I can't change and be free of the burden of the desire to manipulate that which is not within my capability to mold to my own liking. For the most part, I am just hoping. Hoping that equality can be measured today by a growing majority being accepting of gay rights, civil rights and equality for all human beings.

I have heard so much politicking over the past few months that I almost can't believe the world we live in. I have lived in the Bay Area for almost my entire life, and being in the bay area, you almost get stuck here. You get stuck here physically, and ideologically, and for periods of time, you allow yourself to forget that the rest of the world is not the Bay Area. Coming back in to reality, I begin to feel a little nervous for the legitimacy of today's results, should Barack Obama somehow lose this election. I would be devastated, but not completely shocked. I am urging you to voice your opinion. Voice what you need from this world, lift your words and raise your voices and vote for someone who will find it in his capability to change the things we ourselves do not have the power to change. Today is one of the very few days that we as a people are actually listened to, and what we need is to leave no doubt to be found when choosing our next president.

Besides that, I've heard so much talk about proposition 8 that it makes me sick to my stomach to see so many supporters of this message. They wave their signs on the street corners. They have yelled in my face over and over in attempts to solicit some form of support from me. I will not. I tell myself everyday not to conform to pressures that lead you in a wrong direction, and I see proposition 8 for what it truly is. I have no problem with gay marriage. I know that before you were born, God knew who you were and everything you were capable of because he made you the way that you are. I know this to be true, and i know this does not exclude the gay community. They are human. They have relationships just like the rest of us.

I'm hearing from religious leaders that gay relationships are about lust and not love, but how could this be? Are gay individuals without the capacity for love in a nurturing relationship? Simply put,... no. They love just as we do. They make plans for the future and argue as couples just like everyone else. What lust in your life has ever been worth arguing with another for? Lust is not the issue,... the issue is giving everyone the opportunity to love and live life as they wish without hatred and judgment from people who have placed themselves on a pedestal, dehumanized this community and fail at every turn to take in to account how much the gay community suffers at the hands of the ignorant.

I know that proposition 8 seems to have a sure victory at hand,.... but i don't give a shit. I believe that they should enjoy all the rights that we have and you can go on and pander your opinions and viewpoints and biblical verses all you want. This is my opinion,... and in spite of what any campaign might think,... I, and hopefully everyone who reads this, am not for sale. I will not buy in to what you want me to believe. Not today and not tomorrow or any day after that. I know in my heart that this is right. Please,... let your voice be heard today,.... or go out and get a big fuckin umbrella.

thanks junio.
p.s. happy birthday michelle brito! i love you sister!

this is how we chill from '93 till

2008-11-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

DUDE. dude.

on halloween we took it back 90s style with a freakin HOUSE PARTY at the brito residence. it was fuckin hilarious! we brought it back to junior high/high school and everyone really got into it.. we saw cybertek suits, timberlands, puffers in the shoes, pagers, g-shock watches, mini backpacks, shell toes, cortez', dickies, windbreakers.. we had the men in black, fresh prince, mario and luigi, wario and waluigi, mary j blige, the spice girls.. u fuckin name it!

just sharing with you my favorite picture of me and dyna. whatchu know bout my puka shells, the hillfiger jacket n my polo sport bag son?! and peep dyna's bopper bangs, her nike cortez' and that ugly ass scrunchie on her wrist. oh and dont forget the finishing touch of our looks, the dark ass lipstick and the non-smile. WORD TO UR MOTHER.

"tonight i'm gonna party like its 1999" (more pics on my shutterfly)

tagged.

2008-10-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

so christiana didnt say my nameeee, but im bored, so ima pretend she did. ha.

Rules First:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. non-important things about me:

6 non important things about me....
1. so you all know that i love food. love love LOVE food. but did u know that i was thisclose to enrolling in culinary school? i had put down my deposit and errythang! i had decided that i no longer wanted to work in the medical field, drove my ass over to the California Culinary Academy, and signed my ass up. i decided tho, that i enjoyed eating waay more than i enjoyed cooking (and the ridiculous clean up aferwards). hence the reason i'm still typing this blog from my desk at the medical center. lol.

2. i met my husband at church. real talk. i was 12 and we had the same confirmation class. *sigh* 7 years later while choreographing his cousin's cotillion, we started dating.. it was so random cuz he is so NOT my type.. (i was way too into pretty boys and this ghetto thug turned out to be exactly my brand of heroin). we got engaged christmas eve as he put my ring in a toblerone box, and then vowed our lives to each other on our 5 year anniversary. SOO TENDER.. my how time flies?

3. i love to sing and dance. that dont mean i CAN sing and dance, i just like doing it. you can catch me in concert as soon as i'm too inebriated to give a shit. lol. or on youtube. (if the ff video's dont work in ur broser, click the links..)

heres me n my hubby super wasted in tahoe singing our all time favorite song 'hotel california'

and then me, michelle, and april doing what we do best.. ACTING A FOOL IN FRONT OF A CAMERA. p.s. this was right after we watched mama mia so we were inspired ok? lol.

4. drankin, smokin, straight west coastin. true life, im a smoker. capris menthol lights (because they're the sexiest cigarette everrrr). i know its gross. i quit when i was pregnant and thought i was done for good, but once i had my first 3 shots of henn after giving birth i had to light one up for the homies. haha.

5. im addicted to traveling. if i could live out of a suitcase i would do it in a heartbeat if it meant i got to see the world. i dont know if traveling is the right term ... because i love EXPERIENCING NEW PLACES. make sense? in 2007 i was jetsettin every month. every single month! - vegas, tahoe, new york, hawaii, bahamas, virgin islands, philippines.... since becoming a mom i havent been able to travel as much, but that doesnt mean i no longer have the itch... next up, vegas for AVN and hawaii for the mufuckin PRO BOWL. yezzir.

6. i'm 127 lbs. what?! its non-important. and its a fact. lol. (i was 160 my last day pregnant.) so suck my swag while i eat my cake!

tagging:
- kris
- janice
- anna
- abi
- duane
- tee

chronicles of hefferism vol. 4

2008-10-27T14:30:00.001-07:00

currently craving - CHIPOTLE CHICKEN ENCHILADAS. the other day i hit up chevys with tat and queenie and thought i'd try something different. wowoweeee. the chicken had just the right amount of spice in the marinade, and the sauce over the top was milk, creamy, but kicked ur throat as u tried to swallow it down. ganda ganda naman..

take me back to - SATURA CAKES. after doing the breast cancer walk in san jose, and before hitting the spa with my sisters we walked around campbell waiting for our table at stacks.. we stumble upon this bakery that had samples of their french toast at the door. oh sweet jesus christ almighty, i just about had a mini orgasm. this place is an organic bakery that only uses organic ingredients as they bake all their shit fresh on the daily.. from strawberry shortcakes, to green tea cream puffs, cookies, muffins and of course, my favorite french toast. make sure to hit up their campbell, los altos, or hawaii locations.

let me make - BROWNIE BITES. i've been making these since i discovered them in the refridgerated section of pak'n'save. Nestle Brownie Bites (in the yellow square packaging). bake at 350 for 11 minutes and sprinkle with a healthy dose of powdered sugar or crack cocaine, whichever you prefer.

i want to try - PAD SEE EW WITH CHILI AND SUGAR. cuz according to abi, its the shit! next time i hit up thai bbq, this will be my order!

fuck it.

2008-10-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

life is one big road with lots of signs. so when youre riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. wake up and live! --bob marley

having numerous forks in the road with complaints, concerns, catch-22's, and contradictions make every single thought impossible to communicate and every emotion equally tough to translate. compassion and desire only takes you so far. go one way, objectives automatically make you heartless. the other, well, you would just be lying to yourself. why pretend or assume you have all the answers? because most of the time you don't. that's the stressful part, with stress as an obvious understatement. obviously roads are going to cross and that intersection gives you choices which lead to tons more to the eventual laughs and smiles opposite the suicidal tendencies. choose wisely man, because fuck the latter. screaming internally can only take you so far. far enough to forget briefly, but close enough to remember completely. the distance is never walkable, that would be too easy, nor is it ever a distance you can ever run from or to. how often do bad choices resemble good ones or good ones resemble bad ones? c oming from one human to all the rest, i ask nicely...fuck the ultimatums.

all im saying is, grab an alcoholic beverage and drug of choice, chug it down, and do whatever makes your insides say "fuck it."

she's cute.....

2008-10-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

ok after reading another blog on the term 'cute' i got to thinking wtf this word actually means.

i know u hear ur friends talking bout some dude, or some chick, and someone may say 'they cute'. wtf does that mean? seriously? they aint ugly? they are ugly but just too nice to be called ugly? she a danielle? (btw a danielle is... "body of a goddess, face from hell") this word is just so damn ambiguous so i went and asked my buddy list for their personal meaning for the word cute.

this is what my friends and i came up with, when posed with the question "what is your definition of 'cute'?"

"most of the time it means he's just too nice to be called ugly. but if i say she's HELLA cute.. then i think she's pretty dope but just dont wanna gas up her head. and cute is one step above aight -- which means she's humpback with 3 teeth." - me

"definition of cute? ummmmm UGLY!" - anna

"me personally i hate the word cute cuz it reminds me of adorable -
babies and puppies.. so i guess cute is good looking but in an adorable way" - abi

"ed." - ed

"a little scruffy but still look clean. but clean clean cut is cute too. but if they look cute their cockiness would make them ugly. cute overall. cute face and beer belly is NOT CUTE." - iya

"cute is who u bring home to mom and dad. hott is who u bring to show off to ur
friends." - gail

"it means he's more on the ugly side. but his personality could make or break him" - lisa

"cute is like ehhhhhhh.. not ugly i guess." - adri

"cute -- nice smile and teeth -- and nice hair--hilarious and other things. oh and nice shoes and some steez" - leslie

"she aint hella sexy, but she's attractive in the face. its like i'd say, 'shes not hella fine, but she's cute' and cute is still hitable. " - brian

"me." - boogs

"attractive, but not like oh i gotta have him" - jill

"guys dont give girls credit for being nice. we just say things like, 'she aight' or 'she aint cute but shes not ugly ugly'" -- john (p.s. is there a difference between ugly and ugly ugly?)

"that he's decent looking and nice to look at, but not someone i'd be willing to take my panties off for." - bern

"good looking, possibly pretty boy or handsome but not necessarily hot." - kris

"when a guy calls me cute, i say dogs are cute." - angela

"he aight. or maybe young. like young meat. they aint developed enough to be fine. but they still good looking. or when i hear someone say he's hella cute to me that means he got no swag." - nes
"i usually think pretty boys are cute. and then i think swaggalicious boys are fine. " - tee
"a girl who can make me laugh hard is cute." - pat pat

so there u have it. i dunno if that clears it up or makes it more confusing? but my conclusion is that 'cute' means he COULD be fine, if only...(fill in blank). but anna u can thank u and ur friends for making me blog about this shit. her blog is cute. HA! anyways.. got another explanation for me? drop a line.

combination- silog

2008-10-22T08:14:00.001-07:00

aint nothin like fellow heffers to get me hungry at 8:14 am...

check DIGGA and his fat ass making the ultimate filipino breakfast.. or lunch.. or dinner.

you can also catch him spinnin on weekends wherever Boogie Events is throwin a partaayyy... (plug plug plug)

fuckin tired.

2008-10-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

after this morning's conversation with kris, i've come to the conclusion that i'm old.

old cuz my body aches, i hate mondays at the job, and i'm always complaining about how i'm tired. then i slap some sense into myself because i'm only 25. twenty-fuckin-five. and i sit and ask myself how the hell can i be so tired when i'm still hella young? i act like i'm 40 with a bad hip and osteoperosis.

so my 2nd conclusion of the morning is that i'm not old. but just lazy. let me break down a typical day for the 18-year-old Rachel... school 8-3, work 330-1130, party 1145-2, homework 2-4, sleep 4-7, wakeup. rinse. repeat. now, a typical day for the 25-year-old Rachel.. work 8-430, home w/ baby 5-10. sleep 10-645. wake up. rinse. repeat.

so why do i feel so tired? someone please explain this shit to me cuz my mind is fuckin boggled...

note to self: get back to the gym. excercise = more energy and less fat on the body.

wah-ing.

2008-10-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

today, i remember....

its just one of those days where i have to pick myself up off the ground and remind myself that life doesnt stop because i want it to.

Live ya life HEY!

2008-10-17T13:16:00.001-07:00

allergic to the counterfeit.
impartial to the politics.
articulate.
but still would grab a bitch by the collar quick. - T.I.

-- Post From My iPhone

pro bowl.

2008-10-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

did i mention we're planning a dubb vacay to hawaii for the 2009 nfl pro bowl?

we're making it happen mary!

laying out in lanikai, (my absolute favorite beach) 8 weeks after having adonis ---->

get to the pek pek criteria

2008-10-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

this one's written for A&A..

every female should have a checklist that they grade potential suitors against.. deal breakers need to be known up front cuz we too old to be fuckin around with the bullshit! (im married so it really dont apply to me, but its fun makin this shit anyways..) if a man wants to "get to the pek pek" then he should answer the following questions with flying colors.

1. can you speak good engrish? i aint talkin bout proper english..i just mean good enlish. as long as i dont have to strain to listen to you, or have u repeat every sentence three times, then i believe we can have a normal conversation. and if engrish is not your first language, please do a girl a favor and EXPLAIN what you tryin to say cuz you swear i am that versed to know hebrew, indian, and/or your language of choice off the top of my head. and PLEASE get off that "nahh meann" and "nahh wwaahhsayinn" shit cuz no i do not know what you mean, or what you are saying. ENGRISH PEOPLE ENGRISH. p.s. if he looks fobby, he probably is fobby.

2. do you know how to use a phone? please do not think that a conversation is strictly limited to emailing, texting, aiming, and bbm-ing. if you know how to type a "how u doin shawty?", then you certainly know how to type a phone number and you can call a girl! whats the point of talking to a girl if you dont even know what the fuck her voice sounds like?

"if your idea of an in depth conversation is a text message of more than 3 sentences, then please throw this application in the trash and buy a fake pussy."-A

3. do you have a sense of humor? real talk, can you make me laugh? can you laugh at yourself? cuz the girls i know like to talk a lot of shit and if you the type of homo ass mufucka to take shit to the heart then please stop what youre doing, go to the safeway nearest you, and buy yourself some ointment for that butt hurt. and i quote,

"if a nigga is just THAT funny, ill laugh till my panties fall off."-A

4. do you got your own? all these songs out there about ms. independent got her own car, own house, 2 jobs, bad broad shit... what the fuck about you nigga? muthafucka do YOU have a job? cuz i am sick and tired of seein females takin care of their dudes! do you have your own car cuz its not a good look rollin sam trans to your first date. just as long as you can take care of your own fiduciary responsibilities, then we know you can take care of us.

5. do you have a wife/girlfriend/crazy baby mama? on some real shit, aint nothin like another female to cock block. if you swear you a playa and think that we wont know when we just a jumpoff bitch then THINK AGAIN. if you wanna be with a woman, BE WITH A WOMAN. stick with your entree and get over your sides. cuz no matter how grown a woman is, when it comes to love.. we will always revert back to the psycho hair pulling, clothes burning, voicemail checking, smell ur dick former selves that we swore we would never be again.

6. are u an asshole? there is only so much "asshole" a girl can take. if you too nice then we'll walk all over you. too much of a dickhead and we'll drop you like youre ugly. we like a man to keep us on our toes but there is a FINE LINE for being the right amount of asshole. (my husband has done a great job of this for the last 7 years, maybe you should ask him for tips on "being just enough asshole 101").

"i HATE when guys say 'u only like the assholes.' no u stupud twit we just dont want fags. but we dont like assholes either! the only reason we end up with them is cuz they pretended to be someone else in the beginning and by the time we found out they were assholes it was too late we was already in love! we only didnt like the nice guys cuz 1) either they were fags or 2) they was UGLY" -A

7. do you have selective memory? i know men dont usually remember shit... but if youre the type of man to forget my birthday but remember that i said i'd cook u dinner tonight.. or if u remember i came home at 2 am last week but forgot how that lipstick stain got on ur damn collar. OR if you remember the score to the raider game on sunday but forget that you were supposed to pick me up from work.. then please proceed to the next available window bc this one is closed.

8. do you have any interests other than yourself? ok we get it. your swag is serious. we get it! its a lifestyle! but please at least PRETEND to be interested in me and what i like to do. remember that im allergic to pineapples, and dont go making me a pineapple cheesecake cuz you think it'll earn you brownie points. please dont make every conversation about your hussle and what YOU had to do to get yours. OH... and one more thing. dont think that by having your girl as your only other interest earns u points cuz that shit is annoying! get a life and get some friends! a girl like to let a dude remember the scent of her panties. so if we dont call for 2 days dont start crying about how we're forgetting about you and we're your heart.. BLAH BLAH BLAH u homo ass muthafucka.

thank you for filling out an application and for your interest in the pek pek. if we feel that you are a good match, we will contact you for further interviews (which means dinner youre paying so make sure you prove that you aint broke by bringing more than $20 cuz we like to eat good.)

chronicles of HEFFERism vol. 3

2008-10-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

currently craving - TRISH'S MINI DONUTS. everytime i hit up the wharf i always make a stop at trish's mini donuts for a bag-o-fun. miniature old fashioned donuts sprinkled with cinnamon sugar seem to make the sound of seals blissful, and the smell of salty air heaven...maybe next time we have lunch tho, we wont get shitted on by birds!

take me back to - TOYOSE!!. ahhh FINALLY. came here last sunday with abi and kris and let me just say.... this place is the culinary equivalent to a morning wood. kim chee fried rice was the best i've ever had, the mussles were to die for. the soju is cracked..made with real fruit (forreal u can see the strawberry seeds in that shit.) did i mention this place is in a garage? but who cares! my taste buds were happyyyyyyy...the next time i'm craving some real food after midnight, i'm driving my ass here...

let me make - SPAM CHIPS. ok. sounds weird, but its so good. slice spam in a mandolin (if u dont have one, get one). deep fry till crispy. best pulutan, or just with rice. god i am sooo filipino.

i want to try - BOB'S DONUT AND PASTRY SHOP. on polk st, i hear the cheese danish and maple cake are something to write home about. sooooo the next time im in the city ill drag my fat ass over this way.

fresh

2008-10-14T09:56:00.001-07:00

you dont realize you're breathing stale air until you open the window and let the fresh breeze in..

sometimes life is like that. you go through your routine.. you hustle, you grind. you walk down the street with swag so serious that you SWEAR no one can fade you or your "i'm so the shit" mentality. and then something new happens, and your window opens.

assimilation has turned me into a fucking robot. finish school, get a good job, do whatever it is that i 'm supposed to be doing, and do that shit well... culture has driven my thoughts and actions..and i realize that i have been asleep. i've been unconscious. as of late, i have been making a conscious effort for revival. little by little i am waking up, and im starting to wonder how i could have been that way for so long.

ok so it took a whole week of thinking that i suck at life.. one full week of wah-ing... but shit's coming full circle. new things, new people, new interests... revived interest in old friends, old hobbies and being genuine in trying to put the FUN back into my life has given me the chance to see the world in a new light-- to see ME in a new light..

my inability to articulate or manifest a strong sense of identity left me lost. so today is day 1 of unlearning the culture and learning ME.

i will be my own breath of fresh air.

Blogger

2008-10-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

just cuz Kris said so....

here we go.

7 years strong

2008-10-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

"I am nothing special; just a common woman with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough." -- the notebook.

love is for suckers. and i got a sucker stamp on my forehead.

chronicles of hefferism Vol. 2

2008-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

currently craving - ROTI NIGGA, ROTI.. if there's one thing that will bring Nes, Adri and me back from having a bad day, its roti. this thai flat bread is often served as an appetizer with curry dipping sauce, but our weakness is dessert (roti prata)... served with a hefty drizzling of condensed milk and mango ice cream on the side. most tuesday nights you'll find us at bangkok garden making all the work day stresses go away...

take me back to - BETELNUT. i satisfied my betelnut craving this last weekend and this place never disappoints. chili crusted calamari, scallops on coconut rice cakes, shrimp fried rice, green beans, galanga beef, kalbi beef, spring rolls, firecracker shrimp..... and there was only 3 of us. haha. my absolute favorite appetizer is the wok fired peanuts (peanuts, chili peppers, anchovies, green onion). even though its no longer on the menu, if u call ahead the chef will gladly make it for you...

let me make - FRIED GARLIC BREAD. i think the last time i made this was in tahoe and it was a HIT.
mix margarine, garlic powder, and shredded cheddar cheese in bowl. spread mixture on one side of bread only.. fry in pan mixture side down until golden brown. proceed to enjoy.

i want to try - SPRINKLES. i still havent been to the one in palo alto, but i need to make the trip to see if their cupcakes are up to par with the one with l.a. sooon.. soon...

HEFFERism 101

2008-10-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Current mood: like i havent been fed in a week

"when god was giving away talent, rachel was in line at the buffet." - hot.sauce

cuz my lifelong aspiration is to be a food critic (seriously this is my CALLING.. how can i be down?) i've decided to write a continuous blog series on my favorite foods, restaurants, and recipes. i crave food like a pregnant lady, and eat like an obese man, so i promise you this will be interesting.

currently craving - MALASADAS. if you dont already know what this is, then dear child put your internet savvy to work and google that shit. malasadas are like krispy kreme on crack. a portugese donut that was introduced to me on my first trip to Leonards on Oahu and please believe its always my 2nd stop (Zippy's being the first) when i touch down in the 808.. i usually get a mix of plain sugar, cinnamon sugar, and custard filled malasadas, and for about $4 for half a dozen of em, it should last u till the end of ur surf lesson.

take me back to - THE HOUSE. on one of our many girls nights out (hereafter reffered to as gno), me and my main hit up this small pan asian spot in north beach. yes, there is never any parking, the place is tiny and noisy, but fuck the sea bass is on point. there was 9 of us out and every one of us had an orgasmic experience... the chilean sea bass, the cod, the salmon roll, the mussels, the angus flat iron w/ mashed (that had mushrooms in it), the dessert... i swear the entire menu is worth the 5 block walk from the parking lot.

let me make - PINEAPPLE CHEESECAKE. one of my specialities (aside from my mooncake which i will NEVER give up the recipe for) is my pineapple cheesecake. stupid easy, and stupid good.. here we go..
1 stick cream cheese
1 egg
1 jar of marshmallow creme
1 8 oz can of crushed pineapple
mix all ingredients on stovetop on low heat until smooth. pour into ready made graham cracker crust and bake in 375 degree oven for 50 minutes. TADA. its a party in ur mouth.

i want to try - TOYOSE. korean food in the sunset, on 45th and Noriega... Tina loopt-ed it one night and had my salivary glands on overdrive. been trying to find the time to go (Kris, Queen, r/s to next friday k?) and i will definitely be giving u guys a play by play on my experience.

until next time. heff away.! and pls feel free to add ur own reviews bc i ALWAYS want to try new shit and hear about your culinary experiences... =)

just another day

2008-10-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

so i totally had a major "i suck at life" day today... partly because im sure its that time of the month, and partly because i saw a pretty-faced 23 yo chick with a bio thats already 11 pages long... and also because i wore no kinda makeup today and wasnt feeling pretty, AND got to the office to find a stack of work about the size of a small midget on my desk.

after proceeding to feed my face, make fun of uglies, talk to the hubby, and have every concerned friend on my buddy list reassure me that i dont suck at life.. i got over it... and tomorrow i'll probably be on my jock again because i am just soo amazingly awesome that i cant contain myself and should probably put an 8x11 picture of myself on my desk at work.. (just for clarification, that pic of me next to t.i. is NOT MY DESK, thanks. please believe that i would put a waaay better picture of myself at my own desk)

anyways the moral of the story is -- even when i'm a mess, i still put on a vest with an "S" on my chest.... oh yess. i'm a superwoman.. yes i am.

until tomorrow...when i try and take over the world again... au revior habibis..

grown

2008-09-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

today is just one of THOSE days.

when i was 13 i said that i wanted to be married, with baby, and a house by the time i was 24. i celebrated my 25th birthday with my husband, in our house, 7 months pregnant. close enough.

the other day Cat brought the kids over. these kids never cease to amaze me.
hayden - "i want someone to just let me do whatever i wanna do."
me - "well when u find that person, send them my way, because i wanna do whatever i wanna do too."

kids got it easy.. they dont have to worry about paying bills, being on time, cleaning up. they are fed, clothed, entertained, and taught by the adults around them and do not have any responsibilities. they are also always in a hurry to grow up. i remember wanting to be 16 and driving. i remember wanting to be 21 so i could drink. i remember wanting to have a job, so i can pay my own bills (why the thought of this attracted me, i will never know).

now that i am driving, working, and am a wife and mother, i wish i was a kid again without a care in the world.. i wish someone bought all my clothes, put food in front of me, and cleaned me up. i gotta worry about paying bills on time, not getting too drunk, being a good mother and wife, my fucking credit score, feeding adonis, the economy, and making sure i'm not negative in my bank acct.

its just like children to want to grow up. and its just like adults to want to stay young.

i remember that i wanted to grow up, so i wouldnt have to answer to anyone. now that i'm grown, ive realized that although i no longer have to answer to my parents, i DO have to answer to the dmv, the credit bureau, wells fargo, and my boss.

wtf happened to the care-free life i always imagined? it ran away when the care-free mind i had, got clouded with actual street knowledge and social responsibility.

people talk about being grown...doing grown shit..gettin ur grown man on. but fuck being grown gets OLD. i wish i had a time machine to take me back. just for one day.... where the fuck is a delorean when i need one.

i remember. everyday.

2008-09-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

413 days ago i was trying to finish packing to move out of the ghetto. i find an unused pregnancy test underneath the sink in our bedroom and wonder if it has an expiration date. i do my business and watch as the pink line for "positive" appears in 16 seconds flat. we name him Mateo.

365 days ago i go in for a routine ultrasound. my conversation with the tech is as follows:
her - (staring at the screen) when was ur last ultrasound?
me - umm. 2 weeks ago?
her - they didnt tell u that u were having two?
me - two what?
her - two babies.
me - SHUT THE FUCK UP.
i call mike. frantic. crying. im too scared and excited to talk. i start thinking in doubles. i buy a bigger car.

270 days ago some lady hits my car from behind. im startled. its too early and too cold to get upset. i'm still tired from opening christmas gifts the night before and i'm already late for my ultrasound. my conversation with the tech is as follows:
her - ok great there's twin B. have you named him?
me - yes. Adonis. we dont have a second name for him yet.
her - (after a long pause) i'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this Rachel, but i cant find a heartbeat for twin A.
i call mike. frantic. crying. i'm too scared to talk. i hear the sound of my own heart breaking as i try and get the words out to tell him.

263 days ago i wake up bleeding. i see my ob and he sends me straight to the hospital. i'm 3 cm dilated and the drs at cpmc need me to stay for an undetermined amount of time. they give me medication to stop contractions, and stop the labor. i get steroid shots to help Adonis' lungs. i'm prepared to spend the next 3 months in bed at the hospital. i ask for someone to bring me beard papa.

262 days ago the nurse tells me i'm fully dilated and starts prepping me for labor and delivery. i look at mike. frantic. crying. i'm too scared to talk. its too early for delivery. i'm barely 28 weeks pregnant. i pray as they wheel me out. i pray as they find out i cant give birth vaginally because Mateo is breech. i pray as they give me an epidural. i pray as they prep me for a cecesarian. i pray as they say nothing and deliver Mateo. i pray as they say "cute baby" and deliver Adonis. i hold my breath and wait for his cry. i count. 28,29,30,31. 32 seconds later i hear a small cry and i pray that he will be ok.

after they sew me up they wheel me to the NICU and i meet Adonis for the first time. he's beautiful. even though he is only 2 lbs, his skin is almost transparent and he's on a ventilator..he is the most beautiful thing i've ever laid my eyes on. i cry.

the social worker comes to see me. she askes what we want to do with Mateo's body. she asks me if i want to see him. i cant bring myself to say yes. i cry.

260 days ago i meet Mateo. i say hello and goodbye in the same moment. i cry louder than ive ever cried.

258 days ago i eulogize a son i never got to know. i watch my husband cry in public. i realize that this is all real. this really happened. this is life. i watch as they bury his blue coffin no bigger than a shoe box 6 feet into the ground. i sob in front of family and friends but it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter.

i make the trip to cpmc daily to visit Adonis. i change his incredibly small diapers. i breast-feed. sometimes i just watch through the incubator as he sleeps. i wonder what it would have been like if there were two. i always wonder.

183 days ago i bring Adonis home in the car that i bought for 2 babies. i sit in the room i prepared for 2 boys. i look at the double sets of clothing hanging in the closet. i hold him and i wish so badly there were still 2. i always wish. i dont cry. i cant cry..i wont let myself cry in front of my son. i ask myself how its possible to celebrate my son's homecoming, and mourn his brother at the same time. i ask myself this question even now.. this is my daily struggle.

today i wake up and stare at Adonis sleeping next to me. i imagine another baby boy, with Adonis' face.. Adonis' little hands.. Adonis' chubby feet.... except his name is Mateo.

i remember pregnancy. i remember being able to determine which one of them was kicking me. i remember knowing exactly where they were.

i imagine them 2 years from now playing with each other in preschool. i imagine them 10 years from now running around the neighboorhood. i imagine them 20 years from now, telling me how lucky they were to have grown up with each other.

and then i remember again. i remember 263 days ago. i remember 260 days ago. i remember 258 days ago. i remember... and i never want to forget.

i see this chubby, healthy drooling baby and i cant even believe he was ever so small. i cant believe he ever needed a blood tranfusion.. ever needed a ventilator. i watch as Adonis laughs as he's staring into space. i watch as he talks to the corner of the room and i wonder if maybe..just maybe Mateo is still there to talk to him. i wonder if he will always be there.

103 days from now my boys turn 1. Mateo's 1st death anniversary. Adonis' 1st birthday. i will remember the events of the last year... i will mourn the death of one son, and celebrate the life of the other. the day will be bittersweet. a true contradiction. the story of my life.

i may never understand why things happen, but i know this: i've been blessed with a child and a guardian angel. how many people get to say that? Mateo was never in my arms, but will always be in my heart. and i am so lucky that i get to see him in Adonis.

Adonis Mateo Quinn. the ink is forever etched on my skin. the memories forever etched in my head. the love forever etched on my heart.

everyday, i remember. i remember, everyday.